Wednesday, February 3, 2010

brides aren't all like that, I swear!

I like inserting myself into the cyber conversations of others. So I'm going to do it again because the ladies at A Practical Wedding and Cupcake Wedding have brought up a point that simply drives me batty.

Wedding sexism. Grr. I hate it. There is nothing worse than planning a wedding as a bride when you're surrounded by people trying to remind you that -- out of the two people in your committed relationship -- you're the only who's happy about the wedding and excited to be getting married. Because, apparently, there's something about being a man which makes males inherently against marriage and disdainful towards weddings? I guess that's the logic people use to come up with these gems...
  • I've heard people tell Mr. FP that he should start his own blog to fight against the opinions on mine.
  • I've had close friends criticize our relationship because they perceive me as a control freak who does everything her own way.
  • I've been sitting at a table with Mr. FP and had a future family member stare right at me and say "I know there's going to be plenty wedding-related breakdowns in the future, and that's okay, it happens" (during which time I'm thinking: "um, shouldn't you be looking at him too?")
I know a lot of people are brainwashed by the propoganda that the wedding industry puts out about how brides are crazy and grooms are scared, but honestly, they need to start thinking outside the box. There is nothing that erks me more when people make assumptions about our relationship. Because honestly... *insert angry, eccentric lady voice here* they don't knooooooow me. And they don't know us. Not really. No one in the world knows that except for us.

And the major opinion of these people seems to be that I'm a control freak bride who knows what she wants and will do anything to get it. Whether I have to beat Mr. FP with a newspaper, whine enough to get what I want or trick him into it. And of course, he's perceived as a scared dog running away with his tail between his legs desperately trying to avoid me, trying not to talk so as to anger me.

Not only does this misconception apply to me, but it seems to be a popular opinion of many brides. And I don't know about most of you, but for me, it couldn't be farther from the truth. Yes, of course, I have my control freak moments. I sometimes like to say that as long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I'm totally flexible.

But the thing you learn pretty quickly from being in a relationship is that you can't be like that all the time. There's two people in this. Which means compromise. No way around it. And nothing brings this out better than wedding planning. And nothing proves our relationship dynamic better than wedding planning.

For us, our wedding is like our lives. I stress way too much and he calms me down by reassuring me. I worry about stuff, and he doesn't. I have strong opinions a lot of the time, and he usually doesn't. I make a lot of the decisions because he is a laid-back, go with the flow kind of guy who's usually happy with whatever decision is made.

I swear! I ain't lying! You can ask him right now and he will confirm it. In fact, I just did. Because sometimes I worry that this isn't the truth, sometimes I do doubt the degree of his laid back-ness and I worry that he wants to make more decisions than he does. But he swears that isn't true.

I have a blog because I like to write and I'm a lot more interested in the details of our wedding and sharing the experience with fellow brides than he is (obviously, since he's not even a bride, haha). What people don't seem to get is that the blog chronicles OUR wedding, it includes many of his opinions, dislikes and likes because our wedding has been a mutual decision. Nothing about our wedding is a solo act. I make decisions because he always tells me to go with what I want because it'll make me happy.

The second he has an opinion, he expresses it and we have a discussion about it.
He's vetoed plenty of things ... the color yellow, my dog Pearl wearing a dress, and Hello Kitty anything (please don't judge me).

{I'll give you the source, but please, please don't buy this}

And he's been the executor of many choices ... Mario & Peach cake toppers, Lebanese food, and writing our own vows.


As much as I would probably love to have everything be exactly the way I want it (um, hello, what human wouldn't?) it'll never be worth sacrificing our relationship. I just wish people would start to understand that not all brides are desperate to spend money, whine to get their own way and push aside their groom to have their own perfect day. In our case, people misinterpret his laid back attitude with cowardice and my decision making with control freak complex. He'll be fine either way for the most part, whether the centerpieces are purple or blue, if the flowers are daisies or roses and he always tells me that at the end of our wedding day he's still going to be married to me... *sigh*. He's so dreamy.


All Things Wedding said...

Mario & Peach cake toppers?!?! Too cute! ;-)

You're right - I am kind of a crazy bride but a wedding is kind of a big deal! My groom isn't "afraid" to assert his opinions, he just knows how important it is to me and wants me to have what I want! If there is something he really wants (or doesn't) he certainly makes that known! I think that wedding planning is typically not as big of a deal to a groom so they sit back and let us bask in the glory of wedding planning because they know it's what we want and since they love us, they want us to be happy! Right?

Cupcake Wedding said...

It's not sexist to take the reigns from your partner if they aren't that interested in planning. It is sexist to tell your partner their opinions don't matter, in my book, at least.

I am sorry you are getting such crappy feedback. We are really lucky that everyone has been supportive, but if someone made some sexist comment to me, I would tell them where to shove it.

Anonymous said...

I am mad for you. Seriously? People say these things? What the crap? I guess people don't say them to me because they are afraid my sister will beat them up (she will too).

People have been like "you are calmer than I expected about all of this" but honestly, I get that a lot. I asked one of my girls this and she said I can be a real stickler for stuff IRL and so they assume the same for wedding stuff. Well, yes, I am not interested in fussing about my girls dresses. There are bigger problems out there in this world. Like saving the world.

Miss C said...

My dear groomie put it to me this way:

"If I'm not interested in organising colour schemes, flowers and various stationery products in everyday life, why would I be now?"

Makes sense.

He, too, has vetoed some elements, and gotten really excited about a few.

And boo to the people who make assumptions about your relationship! Booooo!

Ellie said...

Our friends realize that we plan this together, and most of them are getting married and none of the guys are that involved, because they don't want to be, and their spouses are okay with that. If Mark didn't want to be involved, I would be a little hurt, and my only real complaint about anything is that sometimes, his wanting to be involved sometimes slows things down, like things can't happen immediately because I want to get his okay. Also I have to make all the phone calls because I'm free during the day, and then he gets annoyed because I didn't ask all the right questions.
I think for us the big difference is that I really like this planning stuff, and he doesn't care for it. He sees it as stuff that has to happen to have the wedding we want. I see it as FUN crafty dress shopping shoe hunting food testing deliciousness goodness.

miss fancy pants (the bride) said...

Yeah, I think I need to scare some people out of talking to me that way. Maybe I'll hire some goons to follow me around and look angry at everyone.

@ Miss C: "If I'm not interested in organising colour schemes, flowers and various stationery products in everyday life, why would I be now?"...... Mr. FP and I think you're hilarious. And he says that comment applies to him 100%, haha.

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