photography hindsight

When we first started discussing what we wanted to get out of our wedding photography, the subject of candid versus posed photos was quick to enter the discussion.

As we poured over the dozens of photographers in our area, I kept feeling like everything was too stodgy, too stiff, and quite frankly, it didn't look like fun. Some of the formal shots, or more posed couples portraits looked awkward and uncomfortable to me.

And since I'm already a shy person who was having concerns about how comfortable I'd be when I was being stalked by a photographer on my wedding day, uncomfortable posing was the last thing I wanted.

As for Mr. FP, well, he's not the most photogenic person in the world. Don't get me wrong, he's a handsome man, but if you put him in front of a camera, somehow his handsomeness doesn't translate well. Why? Well, because when he's staring down the barrel of a camera, he gets this awkward, fake smile on his face that causes him to look as though he were insanely uncomfortable when the photo was taken. Want a better visual? Watch this video.

You could easily replace Matthew Perry with my husband and achieve the same effect.

Not the ideal situation for a wedding day, right? A bride who is actually uncomfortable and a groom who looks like he's uncomfortable simply to be alive.

So, we made it our life's mission to find someone wouldn't put us into awkward positions where I'm trying to jump around in a wedding dress, pose us with my veil over our head while we kiss, or arrange the bridesmaids bouquets on the train of my dress (seriously, how could that ever seem remotely natural?).

But as adamant as we were to avoid the posed photos, well, that's all our families wanted. My mom didn't even understand the meaning of candid photography. When we showed examples of what we wanted, our families were confused. Why would we want detail shots of our decor or of the books we were using for ceremony readings? Why was it important to have a photo of the groom in converse and the bride in bare feet?

Overall, the sentiment seemed to be that candid photography was a waste of time when we were spending so much money on a photographer. And speaking of money, neither set of parents seemed to understand the need to spend upwards of $1000 on a photographer when there are people in the city who will do it for $250.

Once again, I found myself doubting our choice. (Shock, I know.) What if we really didn't need to pay so much for photography? Do we really need shots of the minor details? Maybe the more traditional style of photography would be better? Maybe formal is better, I mean, after all, it is a wedding? Couldn't we forgo the idea of a photographer all together and stick with disposable cameras used by the guests?

Thankfully, I regained some sanity and realized that we were making the right decision. Although it would take up a large chunk of our budget, photography was and always will be our number one priority. I'm a photo person. I have millions of them. Photographs are a huge source of nostalgia for me and being an extremely sentimental person, the idea of having wedding photos that were of poor quality simply wasn't an option for us. I mean, really, who wants to look back 20 years from now and see stuff like this? Not us, that's for sure.

And as happy as we are with our decision, looking back there is one thing I would change. I would be more open to the idea of formal portraits. I was so against them and although we'd always planned to do them to satisfy our parents and grandparents, I didn't think anything of them. But now that we have our photos back, I'm extremely glad we have them.

Don't get me wrong, I love that our couples portraits weren't done in a formal fashion. There was no jumping. No awkward hugging. There was, however, some veil over the head action. Only to mock the ridiculous practice of trying to make a couple kissing under a veil look natural, of course. Here's how ours turned out.


Romantic, right?

Um, no. But it was funny to take and it's funny to look at.

And so were the rest of the photos. It was fun. It wasn't scary. It wasn't stressful. I didn't feel awkward and Mr. FP actually looks like he wanted to be there. They were romantic and we were happy to be there because our amazing photographer made us feel at ease. We knew she wouldn't make us do anything strange. She just let us be and only gave us direction when we needed to switch it up a little. We were thankful for that, actually, because she's the one who knows what looks good, not us.

It's these photos that remain my favorite but I'm glad our families pushed us towards the formal portraits. We have awesome photos of us with my parents, his parents, my grandparents, our siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and my favorite photos are the ones where we got all members of the 4 branches of our families for a photo with us. If we wanted our wedding to have any sort of theme, it was that of a family reunion and these photos reflect that. How often do you get the chance to have all the people you love together? And how often is there a professional photographer there? Unless you're lucky enough to have one in the family, probably not very often. And as awesome as candid photography is, I think the formals are the best way to capture the faces of those closest to you.

Were they awkward? I'm not going to lie, yep, a little. Did I enjoy standing in the same spot for 20 minutes while people shifted in and out of position? It wasn't the worst thing in the world? Did I just want to leave to take photos with my new husband and to get the freakin' reception started? Um, yes.

But were they worth the annoyance and slight discomfort we experienced?

Hell yes.

DIY: photo booth + templates

In the past year of writing this blog, I've talked about wedding photo booths about a gazillion times, as you can plainly see here.


When we came across the idea for the first time in the crazy world that is online wedding inspiration, we immediately fell in love with the idea. Couldn't get it out of our heads kind of love. I have a giant folder on my computer devoted to photo booth inspiration. We debated the use of props. We weighed our backdrop options. We thought of the perfect place to hang it.

In the end, it wasn't nearly as much work as I'd thought it would be. It consisted of a few simple mustaches on sticks and a backdrop which was fashioned out of our living room curtains. Tie it to a tree and weight it down because it was windy on our wedding day and voila! photo booth.

And thanks to our crazy family and some extra props provided by our photographer, the wedding day photo booth photos are now some of our favorites because they're simple yet hilarious.








(first 2 photos by our photographer; photo booth photos courtesy of Mr. FP's cousin)

We ended up asking a cousin of Mr. FP to man the photo booth with our camera and I'd highly recommend this method to anyone considering a photo booth. If you use a friend, you don't need to monopolize the precious time you have with your photographer on the photo booth. It's entertaining to guests if you plan on doing photos between the ceremony and reception like we did and let's face it, photo booth photos don't require much artistic creation from a professional.

Don't get me wrong, I've seen some very artsy photo booth photos and thought they were divine, but our favorites ended up being the simple ones with the backdrop centered and people standing in front of it. Nothing artsy. Nothing complicated. Nothing someone who has even a basic knowledge of cameras can't help you with. Just crazy people with mustaches.

Speaking of which, I finally compiled all those templates of mustaches like I'd promised and I'm included them below. Just click on the images below to enlarge and save the large, original version. They're sized to print on standard, letter paper but the size could easily be adjusted if you wanted bigger or smaller. (Feel free to let me know if you have trouble accessing them from this post because I could always try e-mailing them too.)


#1

#2

As far as the assembly process, I'd highly recommend that you don't attach standard printer paper directly to a stick because it'll likely be too flimsy and will damage easily. We traced them onto white card stock and glued felt on top, but you could also just cut out the mustaches from the printer paper and attach them directly to card stock if you wanted to forgo the felt.

The mustaches and mouth should be pretty straight forward, but I'd advise that you use extra caution when cutting out the glasses because they're more difficult. I'd highly recommend use a craft knife (I got mine at the dollar store) instead of scissors for those. And the dowels can easily be found at the dollar store as well; check the seasonal or BBQ section of the store because the ones we bought were actually supposed to be used as kabob skewers.

Happy 'staching!

our wedding: the reception pt. 2

By the time the reception came to a close, the cupcakes had been devoured, the candy buffet had been cleared out a dozen or so bottles of wine had been emptied. The in-between time is where the good stuff happens.

Aside from the food, our reception was full of laughter and celebration. Exactly what we needed.

Our officiant, Rosemary, sporting one of the photo booth props. Seriously, get an officiant you can laugh with. It worked wonders for us.



As unique and nontraditional as our wedding was, traditional and wonderful things remained standing during our reception. We had speeches. Heartfelt ones and hilarious ones. One in particular which will stand out forever in which my father, along with my cousins, brother, and sister, threatened Mr. FP's life with a dozen soccer balls.

To understand that one, you would have had to experience the first Thanksgiving dinner Mr. FP had ever spent with my family. It happened to be a perfect day for playing soccer that day and, being the soccer fiend that he is, Mr. FP decided to join in a not-really-a-game game of soccer on our front long with my cousins. Somewhere along the way, he recieved a blow with the soccer ball in a face courtesy of my cousin which broke his glasses in two. Entirely in two. To the point where he walked around like Harry Potter for a week with tape wrapped around the nose piece of his glasses.

This is the story that my father meticulously recreated for our guests during the reception in order to emphasize his desire that Mr. FP treat me properly in our married life. At the end of his speech, all of my cousins and siblings gracefully stood up and took out the soccer balls that had been hidden beneath their seats in order to remind Mr. FP of the bodily harm which awaits him should he cause me any heartache.

I laughed until I cried.
As far as I'm concerned, this takes the cake as far as father-of-the-bride speeches go.

And, of course, the obligatory traditional of tapping glasses to get the bride and groom to kiss was in full force that evening as well. Although, our wedding put a funny twist on it since we didn't actually use glass cups. Seeing people try to make a sound loud enough on the plastic wine glasses was hilarious.

Plastic drinkware? I know, I know, The Knot would cringe to hear this. Nevertheless, it worked perfectly for us. They were cheap and cheerful in a beautiful shade of blue. Plus, they were easy to clean up and we didn't have to worry about replacing any broken cups like we would have had to if we'd rented them.


In addition to the speeches, we were serenaded with a few verses of Taylor Swift by my precious little cousins. As if they hadn't done enough by helping with programs or acting as flower girls, they took it upon themselves to sing to us during the reception as well.


And that was it. The food was eaten. The wine was gulped. The cupcakes had been feverishly consumed. The candy buffet was empty (literally, empty, something Mr. FP is still bitter about because he didn't get to scoop any for himself).

There was no dramatic exit that signaled the end of the reception because we were spending the night at the cottage, so this gave guests the chance to periodically say their goodbyes to us. In addition to circling around the reception to visit each table, the individual goodbyes gave us a great opportunity to thank everyone for coming and to make sure we'd spent at least a little time with each person.

My older cousins and some friends were kind enough to act as shuttles for our guests since they had to park on the main road due to limited parking at the actual cottage. Although we'd been worried about how this would work, our guests responded extremely well and they knew who to find when they needed a ride back to the car. Friend valets rock.

By 9pm, most people were saying their last goodbyes and Mr. FP and I were more than ready for the day to be done. Although I understand the desire to dance the night away and party until 3am on your wedding day, that's just not us. We were ready to get changed and settle into the cottage's couch.

But, of course, we were in for one more giant surprise before turning in.
The weather.

Remember that little hazard? In spite of the fact that I knew we would have an amazing wedding regardless of the weather, I had worried myself sick about the weather and we were blessed that it had help out all day. All day, that is, until around 8:30. At that time, the downpour of all downpours began and we were thankful to have tents. And let me tell you, it was a blessing. We'd been so warm all day that it was nice to be refreshed by the rain. In fact, Mr. FP promptly removed his silk tie and took the opportunity to stand in the rain for a solid 5 minutes.

Everyone always says that rain on a wedding day is good luck. But with our outdoor venue, I thought rain was the kind of luck we could do without. Thankfully for us, we got both. Sunshine for the ceremony, photos, and reception and a torrential downpour to cap off the day.

And despite all the opinions we'd received prior to the wedding about spending the wedding night at the cottage when other family members would be staying there, the cottage turned out to be perfect. Almost every person who found out that we weren't going to an inn or hotel for that night had some sort of adverse reaction: "but, you'll want to be alone" ... "you can't spend your wedding night at a cottage" ... "aren't your parents, sister, aunt, uncle, and cousin staying there that night too?"

Screw them. We didn't have to pack, we barely had to move. A simple walk across the lawn from the reception tent and voila!, the honeymoon suite. And the next morning, it was a 40 foot walk to some of the best swimming ever. Nothing could have been better for us, so I'm glad we didn't cave into other people's ridiculous expectations for our wedding night. It was, after all, our wedding night. Some people have a difficult time getting that. Idiots.

2am wedding epiphanies

We've been dealing with a lot of opinions lately.
That's one thing you can count on when it comes to planning a wedding: the people around you will always want to give you their opinion. And in the last year and a half, we've gotten tons. Everything from thoughtful to unexpected to just down right rude.

As we get closer and closer to the wedding day (3 weeks from this past saturday; can you believe it? because I sure can't), the opinions of others continue to surface. And let me tell you, it's not fun. Right now, his parents are upset because we took some of their friends off of the final guest list. A mutual friend is upset because we recently informed him that he wouldn't be attending the wedding. One of my aunts continues to express her pessimism that the cottage is a good venue for a wedding.

Thankfully, Mr. FP and I have been on the same page when it comes to dealing with the opinions of others. For the majority of our wedding planning process, we've been arguing with others. In fact, I'd say that 90% of the stress that has come out of the wedding has begun when we try to deal with the opinions of others. Not to say that we haven't argued amongst ourselves, because trust me... we have. But we always seem to be arguing about others when it comes to the wedding. The only major disagreement we've had as a couple has been over the guest list. And with that solidified at this point, everything that is causing us stress now has to do with the opinions of others. When we get stressed about something, we take it out on the person closest so when I'm ticked about something my mom said to me, I take it out on him. It's not right, I know, but it happens.

Originally, I had thought that it was some sort of coincidence that we agreed on most things concerning the wedding. I thought, wow, how lucky are we to have the exact same opinion on almost all aspects of the wedding. In fact, last night at 2am we just laid in bed laughing about how ridiculous it is that all of our stress comes from the opinions of others. During this conversation, I asked him what we would have done if our opinions didn't mesh. He jokingly said that we probably wouldn't be getting married. And this got me to thinking about how the decisions made throughout the wedding planning process often mirror those made in everyday life throughout the relationship. Then I stopped being clueless and realized that it is no coincidence that we agree. Our wedding has been easy to agree on because it is a true reflection of us.

As a frequenter of wedding blogs, I've been hearing for months about how a wedding should really reflect the couple getting married. And although I thought it was a nice concept, I never really understood what it meant. Well now I do. Now I know that a wedding has to reflect the things that are most cherished by the two individuals and them as a couple. And I'm not just talking about the fact that the centerpieces are purple because that's the bride's favorite color or that the groom wear high tops because he's worn them all his life.

A wedding as a reflection of the couple goes way deeper than that. For us, all the stress of dealing with the opinions of others has reiterated the idea that we will always put one another first. Through all the opinions, Mr. FP always considers my opinion above those of his mom or brother or cousin and I do the same.

One of the major reflections of this is the guest list. We've had serious drama about that recently as people have expressed everything from disappointment to outright anger. In spite of this, we continue to keep the list small in order to ensure that it is compiled of people who we truly care about and love. Not to say that the people who didn't make the list aren't loved or cared about by us, but when it comes to one of the most important days of our lives and you throw in the consideration of budget and space, things have to be looked at in a different light.

And although this whole thing has been insanely stressful and difficult... heck, it still is, and it probably will continue to stress us until the wedding is done... it's comforting to have the knowledge that our relationship is secure. It's nice to know that although we may be stressed, we've adopted a sort of "us against the world" mentality in which we can lean on one another and know that the other will always be there.

In no way, shape, or form do I think that we will always agree. Or that we'll go through our entire lives only arguing about the opinions of others. Trust me, we argue plenty amongst ourselves, we don't need any help in that department. But at the end of the day, regardless of what's going on around us, we're still us. And we both still want what's best for us as a couple.

It may be a small comfort but in the sea of drama that is our wedding, I'll take what I can get.

wedding-planning induced nightmares

Ugh, remember when I said that being done school would free up more of my time so I could be a better blogger? Well, I lied. A big fat huge lie is what that was.

Things have been crazy around here. Crazy but productive. All those little details that I had so much time to think about when I started blogging back in December are taking up 95% of my time. Thankfully, this means that we've been able to cross tons of stuff off our wedding to-do list. Things like the cupcake tower, cake topper, registry at Sears and the program layout that have been hanging over our heads are well on their way to completion. And let me tell you, it's a satisfying experience to open up our wedding to-do list online and see more things crossed off as each day goes by.

Amid all this productive activity though, I have become a crazy person. Details run through my head all day and when it comes to sleep, the wedding has begun to invade my dreams.

Yep, that's right. I'm dreaming of our wedding.

But not in a good way.

It started simple enough way back when as one of the first dreams involved a groom who didn't show up because he forgot what time the wedding was. Simple, right? Most brides dream about a groom-less wedding. Perfectly normal.

Unfortunately, that was the tip of the iceberg. Since then I've had more disturbing dreams. And the disturbing nature of these dreams continues to rise as we get closer to the big day. Here's a few of my favorites:

1) My dress arrives and it's an odd shade of gold. To make matters worse, it's covered in tiny holes which causes it to bear an uncanny resemblance to Swiss cheese. Plus, it has a hood. Yep, a hood. Pockets on a wedding dress are one thing, but a hood?!

2) My brother, who is doubling as a groomsmen, shows up in Renaissance themed clothing after being instructed to buy a simple pair of black pants and a white shirt. Turns out poofy sleeves and tights aren't that flattering on him.

3) Having forgotten to get directions to the cottage/wedding venue, our photographer isn't able to show up until half way through the reception. And although we recognize her absence before the ceremony even begins, we never put two and two together and ultimately fail to ask any one else to photograph anything.

4) The flowers are picked up from the florist but they're entirely the wrong color and completely different from the types we wanted. In spite of this, I decide to take the time to make the bouquets instead of asking the florist to fix the problem.


For the most part, these dreams are motivated by my worry that we won't get everything done on time because we 1) forget or 2) run out of time. Things like not giving directions to the photographer and double checking flower choices with the florist are just two of the thousands of details that consume my brain lately. Thankfully, our photographer is a genius and I don't much care for flowers anyway.

But even so, you know you could well on your way to some trouble when your subconscious is screaming at you like mine is. This is what to-do lists are for. Actually, I should change that. This is what insanely detailed to-do lists are for. For the past couple of days I've begun writing every minor detail I can think of so nothing gets forgotten. Everything from pens for our guest book to scoops for the candy buffet.

Now, realistically, this is a ton of bull. I will forget something. Things that we wanted probably won't come to fruition. As micromanage-y as the list sounds, it's my only saving grace. It gives me an outlet through which I can find a small sense of comfort because amid all the wedding craziness that is bound to happen within the next month, at least I know I won't forget the most important of things.

Do I think it'll allow me to achieve wedding perfection? Um, hell no. But I'm a list maker by nature, so at least it'll help me stay organized and give me ever-busy brain a couple hours of rest. Which is exactly what I'll be needing one day soon, I'm guessing.

There's also one more thing that provides me with a small bit of comfort amidst all this craziness... the wedding-planning induced nightmare have also begun to infect Mr. FP's brain. He had his first one last month. Misery loves company.

indifferent ingrid; that's my name, don't wear it out

As a bride, I've been told since day 1 of our engagement, that there's things for the wedding I have to do. I have to invite guests plus one, I have to choose a color palette, there has to be a first dance. Let's face it, that list goes on forever. And as a bride, I'm expected to care about each and every one of these things. As in, I'm supposed to really care about them, to the point where I know exactly what I want all the time. As far as the wedding industry is concerned, a bride cares. She cares about everything.

So what happens when a bride doesn't care about certain aspects of her wedding? Because I'm one of those brides. There are aspects of the wedding that I realize I haven't even thought of when someone brings them up. Things like food, the clothes other people will be wearing, where people sit at the reception, who gives/doesn't give a speech. These are things that I don't care about. Not even a little. I mean, I want there to be food at the wedding and it'd be nice for people to be clothed, but other than that, I could care less.

And as a bride that doesn't care about some parts of the wedding, I've learned a few things.

First of all, the wedding industry is appalled by this concept. It tries to guilt brides into thinking their wedding is going to suck if they don't micromanage every detail. As brides, we're all given a long list of what we should care about and we're expected to formulate and execute our opinions on each and every subject. It's aggravating for a bride who genuinely doesn't care. But hey, that's just the wedding industry. I can ignore it.... for the most part.

Second in the lessons I have learned through my lack of caring is that family and friends will get confused. Early in our engagement, the fact that I didn't care what shade of purple the bridesmaids were in was met with shock: "but you have to care what color they wear!".

When I asked my aunts and uncles if their young children would like to participate in the wedding, they were thrilled. This was closely followed with horror when I informed them that I didn't care what the kids actually did, I just wanted them to be involved: "what do you mean you don't know what you want them to do?"... "you have to pick a job for them".

During a conversation with my bridesmaids, the subject of their hair styles on the wedding day came up and I once again expressed my indifference. Up? Down? Curly? Straight? Um, doesn't matter to me. Silver or gold jewelery? I don't care, whatever they like. White or black shoes? I couldn't care less. Every response of indifference was met with glances of confusion and shock.

In a way, I understand these reactions. Historically speaking, brides usually care. About everything. So when people come across a bride who genuinely doesn't, it's shocking.

For me, it's natural to be indifferent to the decisions of others. As far as I'm concerned, the bridesmaids should wear what makes them happy, confident and comfortable. And as far as the kids being in the wedding, I just want them to be involved. They're my baby cousins and I love them to bits, so I want them to feel special on our big day. Whether that means they walk down the aisle, pass out programs or do a reading, it doesn't matter to us, we just want them there.

I thought my lack of caring would be a blessing to those around me. The bridesmaids would be happy, the kids would feel special and I wouldn't have to constantly worry about making decisions for others. (Hell, I have a difficult enough time making choices for myself. I don't have the time or patience to micromanage.)

But instead of this being a good thing, people just seem confused and even a little annoyed by my indifference. I understand that some people like direction for these choices, and I'm never against giving my opinion, but the final choice should not be in my hands.

Every time I doubt my indifference and think "maybe I should care about these things...", I think about the other extreme in which I tell everyone exactly what to do. People might be confused and annoyed by my indifference, but I have a sneaking suspicion I'd be met with harsher criticism if I decided to make every decision for everyone involved.

If I told my bridesmaids exactly what color dress, jewelery and shoes to wear, I'd be labeled a bridezilla and I'd run the risk of them resenting me for the choices I make. And forcing my cousins to play a particular role in the wedding would be just plain mean. One of them is shy, so I imagine she won't want to walk down the aisle with 80 people staring at her. Through my indifference I'm giving her the choice.

It seems like a good thing to me, but apparently, it makes me a bad bride.
If that's the case, lock me up because the indifference isn't going anywhere.

mama drama

Oh mama drama, I thought we were done with you forever.

Okay, that's a lie, but it would be nice to get through an entire week without some sort of wedding-related drama occurring in the family. Tough luck for us, there. Once again, we are forced to face mama drama. This time, it's coming from the Mr.'s side.

The subject this time? The rehearsal dinner. Since my family's cottage (aka, the wedding venue) is 40 minutes out of town in the middle of nowhere, there's a limited amount of place to hold the rehearsal dinner. In fact, there's only 2 restaurants within 30 minutes of the place. And since we're obviously having the rehearsal at the cottage, it doesn't make sense to drive 40 minutes from the main city, rehearse and then drive 40 minutes back to the city to have the rehearsal dinner.

So we decided to host the dinner at the restaurant of the local inn which is only 5 minutes away from the cottage. Initially, we had also planned to book a couple of rooms so Mr. FP's parents could stay there and the groomal party would have a place to stay the night before and to get ready in the morning. And we were able to solidify everything 2 months ago, well in advanced.

Perfect, right? Yeah, we thought so. After Mr. FP and I were discussing the invite list for the rehearsal dinner with his parents, the drama started. For us, keeping it small is important. Not for financial reasons really, but just because we want to relax and hang out with our closest peeps. When this was revealed to his parents, they flipped. Apparently, his mom has had a mental image in her head for the last 4-ish months that the rehearsal dinner would be a chance for all of the out-of-town guests on the groom's side to get together. Did she ever tell this plan to us? Nope. But she had it in her head. So when we broke the plan that we didn't even know about, she was extremely hurt.

To make matters worse, in our quest to keep the dinner small, we decided that it would only be the wedding party, both sets of parents, my grandparents and the minister and his wife. And since Mr. FP's brother isn't part of the wedding party, this meant that he would not be on the invite list. Obviously, his parents were not impressed.

Now, I know that traditionally, the rehearsal dinner is open to immediate family and out-of-town guests. And trust me, I heard that over and over again. I have now come to loath the word 'tradition'. But since when have we ever done anything traditionally? We don't give a flying you-know-what. First, Mr. FP has never been close with his brother, in fact, his brother has never been anything but cruel to him and since we started dating, the only references his brother made to my existence involved insulting my chosen career path. He's an ass. Even his parents will tell you that, and Mr. FP certainly will. So when it comes down to it, we don't want him there. Honestly, inviting him to the wedding was a bit of a stretch for us, so there is no way we consider him one of our nearest and dearest. Maybe that's wrong, maybe we should fix it. I don't know, but that's how it is. Second, remember that whole keeping it intimate thing? Well, almost every single one of the guests on his side are from out of town... except maybe 4. Out of 50. So inviting all of the out of town guests is ridiculous.

While I understand where his parents are coming from because it's a time for them to celebrate too but it simply isn't going to work for us to have the rehearsal they wanted. So we're having the one we want to have. Or, at least, I thought we were. At this point, his mother is refusing to eat at the inn because the out-of-town guests will be there. Although there's a separate dining area for larger functions, she thinks its rude to eat at the same establishment where her family is staying. So her plan is to get up and leave our rehearsal dinner so she can check in with the other guests. Yep, that's right, she's planning to partially boycott our rehearsal dinner.

Personally, I don't think its rude. Honestly, I don't think any of the relatives staying at the inn will expect to be invited... I mean, it's a rehearsal dinner. Emphasis on the rehearsal part. His parents keep bringing up the fact that traditionally, the grooms parents are in charge of the rehearsal dinner while reminding us that they had 200 people at their rehearsal dinner.

And we keep bringing up the fact that traditionally, the brides family pays for the whole wedding, the bride is a virgin, there's a 4 foot cake, the whole town gets invited, and the couple has to stand in a receiving line for 10 hours. How many times can I say it? We're not traditional; nothing about our wedding is traditional; why the hell would we care about tradition?

At this point, they want us to have the dinner at another local restaurant but for logistical reasons, we've rejected that idea. Too far away, too small, not great food. So we're back to having it at the inn where everyone is staying even though his mother... and I quote.... "took that option off the table." She's joking, right? Telling us where we are and aren't allowed to have our rehearsal dinner?

Gosh, I wish that were the case.

Even after an attempt to compromise, we've gotten nowhere. Obviously, they're extremely concerned with getting enough time to celebrate with their family. Initially, we both thought... um, isn't that what the wedding is for? Well, apparently that's not enough. So the Mr. and I tried to work out a compromise. Most of the out of town guests will be there early the day before the wedding so we thought it would be nice to have a lunch that day or maybe breakfast the day after the wedding with just his family. If we have something like that, will they be okay with having the rehearsal dinner where we want with who we want? Nope. At this point, his mom is playing the passive aggressive card and refuses to deal with any of it.

Ugh.

Can I just ask one question?

What ever happened to the idea of eloping? Because it's sounding pretty damn good right about now.

Okay readers, advice. Now. Pretty please. I'm in the middle of exams and I don't have enough brain power left for this one.

c'mon, let's shower together

{source}

As I've already expressed (in this post), I hate being the center of attention. I don't get any pleasure from it. But, as a bride, a certain amount of time in the spotlight comes with the territory.

Obviously, I've accepted that... since we're not eloping. The wedding with be the day when -- in spite of my introverted ways -- I want to mingle, talk, and celebrate with our nearest and dearest. Although I refuse to subdue my tendency to be shy to make other people happy, this is something I want to do for me.

But when it comes to wedding peripherals (things that are often expected, but not necessary), I get to pick and choose. Things like the first dance, the garter toss, cake cutting etc. are usually part of a wedding, but not at all necessary. And for us, these things are meaningless and (more specifically for me) they only give us extra worries. So we're cutting them.

Another aspect of weddings that I see as a peripheral is the bridal shower. So I'm debating whether or not I want to have one if the offer is made. Honestly, I could case less about having a shower. But I'm 99.9% sure that it's important to my grandmother and future mother-in-law. And since I don't have any problem with attending one, I'll likely jump on board if they want to host one in my honor. I'm close with most of my aunts and female relatives and even with some of Mr. FP's, so I think it would be fun to have an all-girls afternoon before the wedding. Plus, since I only have to show up, it gives me no extra stress.

However, there is one major aspect of bridal showers that I have a problem with: opening presents in front of everyone. And before you leave a "well, what's the point of having a shower if you're not going to open gifts?" comment, hear me out.

Traditionally, yes, the bridal shower has literally been about "showering" the bride with gifts. And traditionally, the main (if not only source) of entertainment at a shower is when the guests watch the bride unwrap the gifts. Of course, brides.com and The Knot agree:

Q: I'm really shy. Do I have to open presents in front of everyone?

A: Sorry to say it, but yes. When guests take the time to buy you the perfect bridal shower gift, they expect to see you open them (and enjoy your reaction to them!).

Surprisingly (to me, at least), so do most of the people on WeddingBee, since 79% of people who replied to this poll think it's rude not to open gifts. Honestly, this shocked me. The WeddingBee, despite its downsides, usually features members who are quite open to non-traditional ideas. I've seen threads in support of everything from dry weddings to potluck weddings and everything in between, but for this, the members seem adamant.

So it appears the wedding community has once again ruled. Even though a bride like me doesn't want to include a certain traditional aspect of the wedding experience because it makes her incredibly uncomfortable, she's just going to have to suck it up. Just deal with it. Get over her self-centered, introverted ways and open the damn presents. Right?

Um, no. Actually, um, hell no.

If I don't want to open presents at the bridal shower, I ain't doin' it. For me, it's a legitimate concern. I don't want to be nervous, stressed or worried. And if I put myself under the spotlight, that's what will happen. Maybe that's wrong, maybe I'm crazy, maybe that makes me a bad bride. But I don't care; it's how I feel.

Let's just take a moment to respond to some of the comments that this poor girl received in the WeddingBee thread, shall we?

"yeah sorry - the whole point of a shower is to shower the bride with gifts, so you have to open them. if you dont then why have a shower? just have a tea or party or something of the like where there isnt a requirement for presents."

The gifts will still exist even if they're not opened during the party. There's nothing implicit in the title of "bridal shower" that says she has to open them. After all, it's not called a "shower-the-bride-then-watch-her-open-all-the-presents" party. I don't understand how it somehow makes it less of a "shower" if the presents remain unopened. If I don't include a first dance or cake cutting on June 26th, does that make it any less of a wedding? No, of course not. And a bridal shower is exactly the same thing. It's not suddenly going to be less of a party, less of a gathering of female friends and family, or less fun because people don't get to gawk at the presents.

"Sorry, but yes, it's rude to not open the gifts while there and yes, people will be offended. I put a lot of time and thought into the gifts I give,and the most pleasure I get is from seeing their expressions. For birthdays and holidays, how would you feel if the people you gave gifts to took them home and didn't open them?"

Honestly, I would feel fine. In fact, I couldn't care less. As a gift-giver, I just want to know that the gift was appreciated. I don't need to see the reaction. That's what Thank You cards are for.

Plus, if I was a guest at a party and I knew that the bride (at a shower) or child (at a birthday party) was incredibly shy and would be made to feel uncomfortable whilst opening my gift in front of everyone, I would feel incredibly guilty. I wouldn't want to be the reason they were made to feel self-conscious or uncomfortable.

"Open them. I was a guest at a shower where the gifts were not opened and I was (and still am) hurt/angry/disappointed/offended. Also, we brought multiple gifts but only put our name on one of them because we expected them to all be opened together at the shower. I guess they got split up when they were put in the car because we only got thanked for one gift in their thank you note."

Seriously? Someone out there is harboring anger over an unopened bridal shower gift? Even after being thanked? C'mon, people. It's just not that big of a deal.



Okay, ranting done. My annoyance has been released. I'm all better.

In spite of my clear opposition to how the mainstream wedding community feels about this subject, I do understand the other side. And I anticipate that a few of the readers are on the other side, which is cool. It is fun to see the reactions of someone you buy a gift for, I get that. But from the perspective of a shy person: 1) how surprising is it going to be considering she probably registered for the gift? and 2) why would I, as a bridal shower guest, want to cause the discomfort of someone I love?

I also understand that the more traditional folks at any potential bridal showers that are hosted for me will probably think it's strange that the gifts aren't opened. But that's okay. It may sound selfish, but since it is a big deal to me, I'm doing what I want regardless of what other people think or feel. If it was important to others and I genuinely didn't care, it would be a different story. I'm not against compromise. But I'm not going to compromise my strong feelings just because someone might be mildly weirded out. Let me say it again: I'm not going to compromise my strong feelings to avoid offending someone. More of us need to say that to ourselves every day. This has been our policy -- mine and Mr. FP's -- throughout the wedding-planning experience, and it remains strong in this case. Plus, what are the chances that someone will be so "offended" or have enough gall that they feel the need to complain to me? In my Irish family? Chances are slim. We don't talk about anything.

Let's keep in mind people, brides aren't entertainment props and our wedding is not a show. It's just not worth it to make the brides out there feel pressured to comply to the standards of the wedding industry. Whether it be the bridal shower, the garter toss, cake cutting, or anything in between; what the industry says doesn't matter, it's all about how you/we feel. Just because we've always done it one way, doesn't mean we have to keep doing it that way.


p.s. Plus, I found this article from Miss Manners. And she said I was right. Ha! Take that wedding industry!

part of the family pt. 2

As many of you know from this post, my relationship with my future in-laws hasn't always been the smoothest of roads. Honestly, I thought after the last big conversation we had with them about how we were all feeling about certain things, the drama would be over. But, alas, that does not seem to be the case.

Like I said before, my FMIL has a very strong emotional bond to Mr. FP; she suffers from empty nest syndrome like you would not believe and has always felt as though she's not as involved in our lives as she should be. After we got engaged, I thought this might be a good time to change that. My mom is more of a logical thinker and less interested in the wedding fluff than my FMIL, so I thought the wedding planning would provide us with a good chance to bond.

But since I'm in school, there hasn't been a whole lot of wedding-related activities/outings/planning going on. I mentally plan and have a gigantic folder of wedding inspiration on my computer, but we haven't really had much time for active planning. The stuff that has to be done well in advance (rentals, catering, rings, clothing) is being done, but other than that, we're pretty much waiting until I'm done school in April to get heavy into wedding planning. It's just too much in my head to focus on school and the wedding at the same time. Bride-students, you'll know what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Apparently, this is a big problem with FMIL. She thinks we're just not involving her at all. We asked her to do a reading at the ceremony and I invited her come with my mom and I when I get my dress fitted, but when those things didn't happen in a timely manner, she started getting upset and thinking that we just didn't want her to be involved anymore. This is not true, we just haven't gotten around to them. And although we told her this, she still seems upset.

We're also trying to put down a deposit for the rentals (for which my parents and his parents are splitting the cost) from a company an hour away and she suggested that her and I drive up there so we can sign the contract and she can put down the deposit. Under normal circumstances, this wouldn't be a problem, but I have classes through the week, am currently trying to finish 4 final papers and I have exams in 2 weeks... which means I have zero spare time to drive up there. When we explained this to her, she was upset and said she wouldn't be putting down the deposit until we found time to drive up there with her.

To make matters worse, she seems to have hijacked our wedding rehearsal. She booked it for 8pm without consulting us and plans to invite way all of the out-of-town guests. We wanted something early and something small, as in only the wedding party, our parents, the minister and his wife. Originally, I thought my problem with this stemmed mostly from my inability to give up control and let her plan it, but I soon realized that it wasn't about control. I want our rehearsal dinner to be what we want; to reflect us. And in order for that to happen, it should be intimate and simple. We want to invite the wedding party, enjoy the night with them, and see everyone else at the wedding, but she seems to think that -- since the groom's parents traditionally take care of the rehearsal -- she has total control over it.

I know her hurt feelings about the rentals and desire to control the rehearsal probably originate more so from the fact that she thinks I don't want to spend time with her and her desire to be involved than anything but I'm not sure how to avoid this. I want her to feel involved, but I have no idea how to make her feel involved when we've barely been involved. We do what we can, we discuss our ideas with her and FFIL all the time, so I'm not sure what else can be done. I feel as though waiting until April when I'm done school to involve her in the wedding is our only option, but I don't want to deal with this kind of drama until then. With final papers and exams, the last thing I need is to worry about how upset she is with us.

Okay. Advice. Now. Pretty please.

part of the family

Author note: Please be advised that this post, like the last one, does not contain any wedding fluff. There is no mention of pretty centerpieces, lace gowns or menu choices. It's depressing, I know. But that's the kind of weekend I've had, haha. If you're a wedding-fluff-only kind of girl, you'll want to leave and come back some other day when I go back to talking about how in love I am with our wedding. Just sayin' ...

We've all heard the horror stories of the dreaded In-Laws. There's the crazy cord-hasn't-been-cut-yet mother in law who refuses to let go of her son. There's the pervy dad who can't keep his eyes focused on your face. And then there's reality. Hopefully, fiction and reality never match up. But even so, trying to forge a relationship with your partners parents is a tough one. There's tons of pressure attached to it.

Thankfully, Mr. FP and I met in high school so the "meeting the parents" situation wasn't as stressful for us. We had no idea we'd be getting married 6 years from then, so it wasn't a big deal. But since that day, the relationship has definitely been complicated and while my future In-Laws aren't even close to the crazy mom/pervert dad, it's been a difficult relationship to work with. Especially when it comes to balancing it with wedding planning.

Even though my future In-Laws have welcomed me into their family and taken time to get to know me, I'm still not sure I'll ever feel like their daughter. And I think they might expect me to. However, I'm a sensitive, quiet, shy, creature of habit who doesn't stray to beyond the life she's been leading for the past 22 years. And they, well, they're not shy or quiet and the dynamic of their family is very different from that of mine. They talk about everything, we talk about nothing. They're fans of Lebanese and Indian food while my family is a meat and potatoes kind of bunch.

This has been a problem in my relationship with them. They seem to expect something different than what I am. They expect me to show up to every family function. And while I try my best to spend time with his family because it's important to him and well, I'll be hanging with them for the next 60 years of my life, I'm not comfortable with giant groups of people. It's never been easy for me to approach and relate to complete strangers immediately. It take me a lot of time to get to know and be comfortable with people. Which I have been able to do with a few members of his family, especially the local ones.

This is something I think his parents don't understand. Actually, I know they don't understand it because the subject came to a head this past weekend when we had to talk to them about it. We tried to explain that my shyness and reserved nature makes me feel uncomfortable at large gatherings where everyone knows everyone else, but I'm unfamiliar with most, if not all people in attendance. As we tried to explain my shyness to them, his dad made an insensitive joke about
how I "have to show up" at our wedding regardless of how many people I don't know who might be there. Then his mother told me that I don't live up to her expectations of what she thought Mr. FP's partner would be. She thought her relationship with the woman who marries her son would be different than my relationship with her. That hurt. A lot.

I think it's situations like this that prevent me from feeling like their daughter. Hell, forget feeling like their daughter, it's hard for me to even spend time with them when they're making me feel like an idiot for being shy and introverted. While I obviously give some thought to what they think of me, I have the ability to shove off how they feel about me and try my best not to worry about it, but it's Mr. FP I'm most worried about. I don't want there to be tension with his parents because they mean the world to him. But I can't just stop being shy and I flat our refuse to put myself into uncomfortable positions just because of my fear of not living up to their expectations.

Ugh, damn families.

Anyone else have any In-Law troubles? Or have you managed to feel like part of his/her family? Or even better, solve my problem for me! Ha, yeah right. You're not miracle workers.

seal of approval

I have a flaw. Yep, I do. I know. It's hard to believe. But it's a big one. I try to hard to please other people. Ever since I was a kid, I've hating fighting with friends. I hate disappointing my grandparents. I don't like when people don't like me. If you've ever seen the episode of Friends where Monica panics and bends over backwards to please the unhappy mother of Rachel ... yep, that's me. Okay, well, not really. I'm not that Type A. But you get the idea.

I don't deal well with disapproval. And while I have grown and come to accept the fact that not everyone will be thrilled with me at all times, it still bugs me sometimes. I like living up to the expectations of others when I feel as though I can. I'd like to be one of those women who is extremely confident in herself and is able to adopt a universal "screw you" policy when faced with the disapproval of others ... but I'm not one of those women. A lot of the time, yes, I can stand my ground, but when it's my closest friends and family, it's rough.

This issue, as one can imagine, has come to head during wedding planning. I've had to deal with the expectations of other more in the last year a half of my life than I ever thought I would have to in my lifetime. I'm not sure what it is about weddings that makes people feel comfortable to insert their opinions when they're not asked to. This is especially prominent with parents. On my side, we've got a lot of it. My dad's determined to rent a trailer for extra space in spite of the fact that the Mr. and I don't want or need it and my mom doesn't understand the concept of candid photography so she believes only formal photos will do regardless of my passionate love with candid shots. On Mr. FP's side, his mother is persistent in her desire to hijack our rehearsal dinner (because it's traditional for the groom's parents to take care of it) and turn it into a boisterous night out with our entire wedding party as well as all the out-of-town guests (numbering almost 20) even though we want a small, intimate dinner with only the people who need to attend the rehearsal dinner.

And while I would probably try to gain the approval and acceptance of them in any other situation, our wedding has been a whole different story. Honestly, it's issues like these that bring out my inner bitch. And I like it. I find myself freely saying no to things that go directly against our original version for the wedding. I don't understand how people -- even our parents -- can remain persistent in ideas that we've expressed animosity for in the past. It's strange. I thought we were all taught, at some point in our lives, that "no means no". Apparently, weddings clog the ears of those we love the most and make them oblivious to what we truly want and what's really important to us. *sigh* Maybe they'll get the idea some day soon. Even if there's only 115 days left, I'm holding out a little bit of hope. And if not, being a bitch seems to suit me pretty well.

the dreaded guest list pt. 2: dealing with +1's

Yesterday, Sara over at 2000dollarwedding wrote this post in response to a reader's question about the messy +1 debaucle every couple has to deal with and our regrettable guest list experience came flashing back to me all over again.

I'm just going to come out and say it. I hate guest lists. And what I hate even more than guests lists is long guest lists. Which is what our list is slowly turning into. At first we capped it at 70, then 75, then 80 and now I'm thinking we'll end up being closer to 90. Suddenly, our small, intimate, backyard wedding is turning out to be anything but. Grr.

My main issue with the +1 issue is being directly approached by people who want to bring their own guest. I do not deal well with confrontation. I can't make eye contact, I get all blotchy, I stutter like a mad woman, and I will say anything just to avoid all of this. So obviously, the first words out of my mouth are going to be "yes, of course you can bring your boyfriend of 2 weeks, whom I've never met and his band friends to the most important day of my life". Seriously.

Thankfully, we've (and by "we", I mean me) devised (and by "devised", I mean I ripped off the idea from wedding invites I saw online) a way to proactively deal with the nasty +1 decision. For anyone dealing with the same problem, here's some options:

1) Invite people in clusters. Try to make sure that everyone you invite will know someone else on the guest list well enough to hang out with them during the reception. College friends and work colleagues are probably the best examples of this. The only people, and I mean only, we've given the +1 approval to are people who won't know anyone else at the wedding. So far, I think the only person given the go ahead is a mutual friend from highschool. We don't want him to feel really left out so a date will keep him company. An example of the other side: Mr. FP's mother suggested that his brother be able to bring a date. Um, why? His whole family will be there. With aunts, uncles and cousins that are his age to hang out with ... why would be need a date? She didn't agree and was not impressed, but we stuck with our choice. Same thing with some of my teenage and 20-something cousins, they have boyfriends/girlfriends but since their parents, aunts, uncles and cousins will be there, they won't be lonely.

2) Decide who is important to the two of you. Most people think the rule is that people in long-term relationships should be allowed to bring their partners, but if they're significant others aren't close with us, we're not adding the +1. Simple as that. A family friend of my parents just recently got married, but we've decided not to invite her husband. Are we crazy? Nope. But because their dating and marriage happened so quickly (under 9 months) we've never met him so we have no relationship with him. Even though they're married, we just don't need to have him at our wedding. I know, I know, he's important to her, and we want our guests to be happy but her parents and sister will be there and she knows 95% of my family anyway, so the cluster rule applies here too.

3) Make it clear from the beginning that there's no wiggle room. It took us forever to come up with a solution to make it clear to people that we wanted them at our wedding, not them plus their mom, sister and cousins without being rude. I think the best way to address this is when the invites go out, but it can be tricky. We dealt with it on our RSVP's because we didn't leave it open for people to squeeze in a ton of people.

Traditionally, you have M______________ on your RSVP and the guest fills in the names of those invited. But I've heard horror stories of couples who address the invite to John Smith and the card comes back with a ton of other names crammed into it like this:
Mr.__ John Smith, Mrs. John Smith, Bobby Smith, Jane Smith____.

I don't think many of our guests would be that dumb or sneaky, but I didn't want to leave us open to the possibility. So instead, we had the M______ space, but we also included "__ seat(s) have been reserved for you". Check out the photo below for the real thing.

For us, this is the least forward, yet clearest way of saying, we want you, not everyone in your family. Apparently, the same kind of thing can be done with online RSVP's (according to a comment on Sara's post): "To deal with the "penciling in a +1", we're going to do our RSVPs online. Each invitee gets a response # and when they put it into the website, it will have just the names of people invited hard-coded and they can choose their meal that way too".

Plus, either RSVP option gives you the change to deal with the problem well in advance once you receive the RSVP in the mail or online. If someone is still trying to sneak people in, we'll simply call them and let them know that we're keeping our wedding small. And by "I", I really mean Mr. FP will call them ... I can still get blotchy over the phone!

It might seem a little extreme to go to these kinds of lengths to keep out a few +1's but they add up extremely fast. When we started our list, we theoretically gave everyone who was single, out of town, not familiar with our families etc. a +1 and it brought our numbers up by almost 20 people. It was not pretty and we quickly realized we simply wouldn't be able to do it. I expect to get complaints about this from a ton of family members, in fact, we already have. But for us, it's more important to stick to the policy and fill our guest list with people who we have really great relationships with, not people we feel obligated to invite. Besides, Emily Post can kiss my ass.

it ain't all sunshine and rainbows

Apparently, falling off wedding cloud nine is a growing trend for today. Like Mouse and He-Mouse over at Souris Mariage, not everything is hunky dorry at the Fancy Pants residence.

Oh my gosh, did I seriously just admit that our relationship isn't perfect? Did I imply that maybe, we might possibly disagree sometimes? No way, that could not have happened. That's not what wedding blogs are for! The wedding industry wants us to think that everything about weddings is beautiful and happy. We're not supposed to talk about real relationship issues, we're supposed to talk about pretty cakes and flowy dresses whilst surrounded by bird that sing us to sleep at night. Right?

Um, well no. In fact, forget the phrase "disagree sometimes"... what we do is flat out arguing. That's right, I said it. We argue. And no, the world did not just collapse around us. Why? Because it's perfectly normal to argue.

I've been around couples who maintain that they don't argue. They declare that the worst fight in the entirety of their relationship lasted ten minutes and that the damage was quickly and easily repaired with a hug and a kiss and an "I love you". Personally, I don't think they're human. Because humans argue. Every relationship is put through difficult trials and the healthy ones come out on the other side better than before. Or, I think they may be afraid to admit to their family & friends that their relationship isn't perfect? Why they're scared of this, I may never understand. We've always been open about our fighting and while "trouble-free" couples (and I use the quotations because really, is there such a thing?) sometimes makes me doubt the amount of arguing we do, I know a healthy relationship will have a conflicts.

Honestly, if Mr. FP went more than a week or two without arguing/disagreeing over something, I would be a little worried. With the stress of school, work, money, family and to top it all off, the wonderful wedding we've argued like mad people. We yell, we scream, we go to bed angry, and sometimes he *gasp* ends up sleeping on the couch. And in spite of the myth that if somebody's on the couch, there must be something drastically wrong with the relationship, we're none the worse for wear when it's all said and done.

Last night's argument started with me worrying whether or not some napkins I found at the grocery store would clash with our centerpieces and ended with me crying about how I feel like I'm the only one planning our wedding. My proudest moment? Ah, hell no. But it happens.

I just think it's high time that ladies learn that it's okay to talk about real stuff. It's fine to talk about fighting. It's okay that you and your partner don't agree on everything. And more specifically for brides, it's okay to not think every moment of planning a wedding is blissful. Even better, it's okay to admit that you don't love your wedding.

Thankfully, we have a multitude of couple friends and most do admit to arguing. Which I love. Because it reassures me. Not that I should need reassurance from other people to be secure in our relationship, I know. But if I was constantly surrounded by people who claim they never argue, I would lose it. I would think something was wrong with us. Because the normality of our relationships is usually gauged according to those around us. Either way, I like talking to other people about how much their relationships suck because it gives me hope that we're at least semi-normal. As individuals, we're total freaks. As a couple, we're even more strange. But it's a healthy relationship.

We all have good days and bad days. And, if you're us, sometimes you have days where you need to learn how to avoid napkins that will act as the catalyst to a stupid argument. And clearly, we're still working on that one.

brides aren't all like that, I swear!

I like inserting myself into the cyber conversations of others. So I'm going to do it again because the ladies at A Practical Wedding and Cupcake Wedding have brought up a point that simply drives me batty.

Wedding sexism. Grr. I hate it. There is nothing worse than planning a wedding as a bride when you're surrounded by people trying to remind you that -- out of the two people in your committed relationship -- you're the only who's happy about the wedding and excited to be getting married. Because, apparently, there's something about being a man which makes males inherently against marriage and disdainful towards weddings? I guess that's the logic people use to come up with these gems...

• I've heard people tell Mr. FP that he should start his own blog to fight against the opinions on mine.

• I've had close friends criticize our relationship because they perceive me as a control freak who does everything her own way.

• I've been sitting at a table with Mr. FP and had a future family member stare right at me and say "I know there's going to be plenty wedding-related breakdowns in the future, and that's okay, it happens" (during which time I'm thinking: "um, shouldn't you be looking at him too?")

I know a lot of people are brainwashed by the propoganda that the wedding industry puts out about how brides are crazy and grooms are scared, but honestly, they need to start thinking outside the box. There is nothing that erks me more when people make assumptions about our relationship. Because honestly... *insert angry, eccentric lady voice here* they don't knooooooow me. And they don't know us. Not really. No one in the world knows that except for us.

And the major opinion of these people seems to be that I'm a control freak bride who knows what she wants and will do anything to get it. Whether I have to beat Mr. FP with a newspaper, whine enough to get what I want or trick him into it. And of course, he's perceived as a scared dog running away with his tail between his legs desperately trying to avoid me, trying not to talk so as to anger me.

Not only does this misconception apply to me, but it seems to be a popular opinion of many brides. And I don't know about most of you, but for me, it couldn't be farther from the truth. Yes, of course, I have my control freak moments. I sometimes like to say that as long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I'm totally flexible.

But the thing you learn pretty quickly from being in a relationship is that you can't be like that all the time. There's two people in this. Which means compromise. No way around it. And nothing brings this out better than wedding planning. And nothing proves our relationship dynamic better than wedding planning.

For us, our wedding is like our lives. I stress way too much and he calms me down by reassuring me. I worry about stuff, and he doesn't. I have strong opinions a lot of the time, and he usually doesn't. I make a lot of the decisions because he is a laid-back, go with the flow kind of guy who's usually happy with whatever decision is made.

I swear! I ain't lying! You can ask him right now and he will confirm it. In fact, I just did. Because sometimes I worry that this isn't the truth, sometimes I do doubt the degree of his laid back-ness and I worry that he wants to make more decisions than he does. But he swears that isn't true.

I have a blog because I like to write and I'm a lot more interested in the details of our wedding and sharing the experience with fellow brides than he is (obviously, since he's not even a bride, haha). What people don't seem to get is that the blog chronicles OUR wedding, it includes many of his opinions, dislikes and likes because our wedding has been a mutual decision. Nothing about our wedding is a solo act. I make decisions because he always tells me to go with what I want because it'll make me happy.

The second he has an opinion, he expresses it and we have a discussion about it.
He's vetoed plenty of things ... the color yellow, my dog Pearl wearing a dress, and Hello Kitty anything (please don't judge me).

{I'll give you the source, but please, please don't buy this}

And he's been the executor of many choices ... Mario & Peach cake toppers, Lebanese food, and writing our own vows.

{source}

As much as I would probably love to have everything be exactly the way I want it (um, hello, what human wouldn't?) it'll never be worth sacrificing our relationship. I just wish people would start to understand that not all brides are desperate to spend money, whine to get their own way and push aside their groom to have their own perfect day. In our case, people misinterpret his laid back attitude with cowardice and my decision making with control freak complex. He'll be fine either way for the most part, whether the centerpieces are purple or blue, if the flowers are daisies or roses and he always tells me that at the end of our wedding day he's still going to be married to me... *sigh*. He's so dreamy.

Actually, It's Our Wedding, Not Yours

After reading this post on A Cupcake Wedding, I realized that it describes exactly how I've been feeling for the last year and a half of planning a DIY Wedding. Okay, I take that back, it's only been a year because although we've been engaged for a year and a half, it took me 6 months to come to my senses and realize I didn't have to hire dozens of people to do things for me.

As many of my previous posts have expressed, I'm embarrassed to say that it took me those 6 months to step away from thinking about our wedding in context to the wedding industry to thinking about it in context of it being... well, OUR wedding. And while I was so proud of myself for this realization, I was bombarded by criticism from people everywhere. While it's easier to ignore the online voices on The Knot boards (I warn you, stay away... stay far, far away), it's not so easy to ignore the voices of your own family members.

When I told family I wanted to make all of the bouquets and boutonnieres myself, I was told that I "really should" hire a florist. When I said I wanted to make the cupcakes myself (in lieu of traditional wedding cake), I was encouraged to hire a baker. When talking about my pre-wedding beauty regimen, I was told (under no uncertain terms, by the way) that I will go to a spa two days before the wedding to get a manicure and pedicure.

Comments like these caused me, like Cupcake, to feel doubtful of myself and question my decisions. Maybe I really was taking on too much. Maybe I really should leave these things up to the professionals, even if it means going over budget.

Oh wait, no I shouldn't. It's so strange, because at the time these doubts are running through my head, they seem totally normal and justified. And then a day or two passes by and I can't believe how foolish I was to doubt my decisions and to doubt our capability to handle this wedding on our own.

Besides, just because we're not hiring professionals in no way implies that we'll be doing it alone. We have tons of family and friends who have been more than willing to help. And while certain people have made it quite plain that they don't agree with our choices, I have to do my best to ignore it (which I'm terrible at, by the way, and the only way I'm managed to retain even an ounce of sanity is thanks to the level-headed Mr. FP). The pleasure I've gotten so far from creating all of the stationery and painting our centerpieces has given such a great sense of pride that (although, yes, it was stressful) I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. And these preliminary examples of our DIY-ing have given me renewed hope that I'll get just as much satisfaction from making my own bouquet and baking the cupcakes that will be enjoyed by our guests. At the end of the day, I don't have to stress about coordinating with a florist, baker, DJ, limo service, caterer or the the lighting designer (for a wedding, seriously?) because they're not a factor for us.

The most amusing part of this whole debacle is that people told me I would stress myself out from taking on so much, yet my main source of stress has come from the wedding industry and disapproving family members and friends ... not from the DIY projects themselves. Haha.

oh, and p.s. tonight we're going to pick up our completed invitations which just arrived from VistaPrint.ca. so excited!

Including the Kids

Unlike traditional wedding venues where people might want to provide coloring books or games for the kids to keep them from getting bored at the reception especially, this hasn't been an issue in our wedding planning. Since both the ceremony and reception will be held at my family's summer cottage, which almost all of the youngin's are familiar with, I know they'll be more than happy to entertain themselves. Plus, with a candy buffet, I don't think they'll wander too far.

But since there will be kids in the wedding as well as attending both the ceremony and reception, I've been trying to figure out some methods to make them feel included. And I think I have finally found a solution. I found these adorable cameras in The Knot's Wedding Shop (here for the girls, and here for the boys) which seem perfect to keep kids entertained either during the ceremony or the reception.

While I don't expect the results from these camera to replace the photos our photographer will be taking, I think it's cute that the kids will get to feel included by taking photos of the special day. Although I know my 8 year old cousin who's really into taking pictures with my digital camera will be disappointed because she won't get the immediate satisfaction of seeing the photos, I know she'll enjoy walking around the reception with the camera.

Although they cost a little more than I'd like to spend -- $7.99/camera x 4 or 5 + shipping from US to Canada = probably too much -- these cameras are kid friendly, reusable and completely adorable, so I might have to splurge.

The Ceremony Debate

Something I realize every time the holidays come around is how difficult it is to combine two lives into one. Both Mr. FP and I spent the better part of 19 years as individuals who celebrated unique sets of traditions with our families around Christmas time and after moving in together last year, we're know faced with the difficulty of balancing two families who are used to having us all to themselves on December 25th. Ha, forget just the 25th, we struggled with how to balance the entire last week of December. Every year, it's hard, and every year we struggle with it.

This whole debacle got me thinking about our wedding ceremony and how it's proving to be another one of those pesky balancing acts that attempts to merge two individuals, two families and way more than two opinions. Since we both come from families with religious influences (mine mainly from my grandparents and him from his parents) we've had a variety of input from those family members about how our ceremony should play out. My grandparents (being the devout Pentecostals that they are) thought we should get married in a church but since my faith has been centered on my relationship with God, not with a congregation, that didn't make much sense for us. Plus, although he was raised in with strong religious influence, Mr. FP is not tied to faith like I am so this would have resulted in him feeling awkward and out of place at his own wedding ceremony. Not cool. And since neither of us are tied to a specific church, simply choosing a church in our area -- though simple enough -- would not have resulted in us getting married in a place that held no meaning or significant to us as a couple.

However, when we ruled out the church, we then faced the dilemma of the officiant. Ideally, we would have gotten married by a friend, but the laws in our province don't allow it. We needed either a religious figure or a justice of the peace. And since neither of us personally knew anyone who fit that description, I turned to my grandmother and asked her to choose from one of her many -- and I stress the word many -- friends who were religiously affiliated to officiate. Since my grandmother probably knows me better than anyone in the world (except for Mr. FP, of course) I knew she'd be able to pick someone who was more laid back and had a good sense of humor. Which is exactly what she did and although we haven't formally met them yet, we've been assured that he will be comfortable with a short, casual, personal and non-denominational ceremony.

In order to achieve our desire to have the ceremony entirely personalized for our needs, I've enlisted the help of a book written by Reverend Judith Johnson (an ordained ecumenical minister who has officiated weddings with a variety of religious and spiritual traditions for the past 14 years). The book is called "The Wedding Ceremony Planner: The Essential Guide to the Most Important Part of Your Wedding Day" and I am in love with it.


It's been so helpful, so diverse and reminds me that amidst all these crazy wedding details is a marriage in the making. I would highly recommend it to anyone who's looking to write their own ceremony because it has got tons of examples of ceremonies, worksheets and logistical information (which has been extremely helpful for me since I haven't attended a wedding since I was a flower girl in one). It's also been helpful in balancing my faith with his not-so-much faith in order to make us both as happy as we can be.

I think above all, we're trying to keep it about us. And even though it's been difficult ... no, extremely difficult to ignore the many opinions of others, at the end of the day, it's our marriage. And we have to be happy with what we get.

Now all we have to decide is what type of vows we're going to have. On one hand, we could go for the more traditional version which is written ahead of time by the two of us, recited in the same way by both of us and contains no surprises. On of the other hand, we could write our own vows and keep them secret from one another. Trust me, this decision will be the difference between pretty bride tears and uncontrollable sobbing which results in streams of tears and running makeup. Decisions, decisions.