proposal hindsight

Videos like this leave me confused. Partly because I'm not sure whether or not to believe they're real and partly because I wonder, if in fact they are real, how the hell does that happen?

It's a perplexing idea for me. And I don't mean that I'm wondering in a "how could she do that; what's wrong with her that she would say no in front of thousands of people?" kind of way. I mean it in a "why the hell would be propose if he didn't know that she would say yes?" kind of way.

Maybe it's just the dynamic of my relationship with Mr. FP that causes me to wonder how someone's proposal could be rejected like that, but it makes me wonder what the state of someone's relationship could be like that one partner could think the couple is ready for marriage while the other doesn't agree. Not that I think each individual in a relationship becomes ready to get married at exactly the same time, but honestly, had he ever talked to her about it? I mean, really talked about it. In a serious, it could actually happen, kind of way?

Honestly, I chalk it up to traditional expectations. In the fairy tales and romantic stories in movies or on television, the woman is totally clueless when it comes to the proposal. She has no idea it's coming and she's surprised to tears when he gets down on one knee. It's so dreamy when the man takes initiative and puts himself out on a limb to propose. Or, at least, that's what we're told. This method very well may work for some people, I'm sure thousands of successful marriages started this way, but it's definitely not for us.

Our proposal wasn't like the movies. Not even a little. Although I didn't know the exact date that he planned to propose, I knew it was coming. I knew the month and I knew he'd probably do it around Christmas because he knew how much I loved that time of year. Does knowing making it less romantic? Am I disappointed because I knew it was coming and didn't simply leave it up to him? Hell no. What would it say about our relationship if he just decided to propose to me before we'd ever had the chance to discuss it? What kind of relationship could we have had if he kept something so huge from me? Personally, I don't think it would have been the kind of relationship I would want to be in.

We tell each other everything. And I mean everything. Very rarely are there secrets between us partly because I can't keep things from him and partly because our relationship only works when we're honest with one another. And nothing about this changed when it came to the proposal. As Lyn mentioned in this post on another damn wedding, the traditional method of proposals create a disaster zone in which one person (usually the woman) is rendered entirely passive while the man is left to make all the decisions. Like Lyn and her beau, this is a difficult concept for Mr. FP and I because we're used to making decisions together too.

When Mr. FP was having a difficult time finding the perfect ring, I volunteered to go ring shopping with him to give him some ideas. For him, that shopping trip was a relief because he didn't have to stress about spending a ridiculous amount of money on something I would hate.

Did that make getting engaged less magical? Um, no. Partly because I never saw the ring he ended up buying because it was at a different store than the ones we visited together but moreso because... well, who cares? it's a ring. It's the meaning behind it that represents his love for me, not the physical object so it wouldn't have mattered if I'd seen it. I'm eternally grateful that I was able to relieve his stress instead of falling into archaic gender roles which dictate that I was to know nothing about the ring or the proposal.

In hindsight, I would have changed one major thing. Although some women take the reigns by proposing to the man, I would have eliminated the proposal altogether. For us, it ended up being simply a formality and nothing more. It wasn't necessary because we'd already agreed that we wanted to get married through dozens of conversations.

If I could go back in time, I think we would have eliminated that pressure and simply allowed the proposal to be as simple as "so, you want to get married?" "yes" "okay, me too" "sweet". That would have made us equal. Because either way, whether it's the man doing it or the woman doing it, there's no balance. Someone is taking control and the other is left submissive. That's never been how our relationship works, so why was it how our engagement worked?

Because we were stuck in traditional roles. It's as simple as that. We both had preconceived notions about what a proposal should be like and those notions were based in outdated and ridiculous gender norms. Looking back, I feel stupid for allowing that to happen especially since the romantic idea of the proposal was perpetuated more so by yours truly while Mr. FP probably could have gone either way. And to be honest, he's not a proposal kind of guy. He's adorable and sweet and perfect for me but he's not the most romantic of creatures and the fact that he had to deal with so much pressure to execute a romantic proposal makes me feel guilty.

Stupid romantic proposals and the gender roles they promote. Reason number 238,094 that I will never let my children watch Disney movies...

2am wedding epiphanies

We've been dealing with a lot of opinions lately.
That's one thing you can count on when it comes to planning a wedding: the people around you will always want to give you their opinion. And in the last year and a half, we've gotten tons. Everything from thoughtful to unexpected to just down right rude.

As we get closer and closer to the wedding day (3 weeks from this past saturday; can you believe it? because I sure can't), the opinions of others continue to surface. And let me tell you, it's not fun. Right now, his parents are upset because we took some of their friends off of the final guest list. A mutual friend is upset because we recently informed him that he wouldn't be attending the wedding. One of my aunts continues to express her pessimism that the cottage is a good venue for a wedding.

Thankfully, Mr. FP and I have been on the same page when it comes to dealing with the opinions of others. For the majority of our wedding planning process, we've been arguing with others. In fact, I'd say that 90% of the stress that has come out of the wedding has begun when we try to deal with the opinions of others. Not to say that we haven't argued amongst ourselves, because trust me... we have. But we always seem to be arguing about others when it comes to the wedding. The only major disagreement we've had as a couple has been over the guest list. And with that solidified at this point, everything that is causing us stress now has to do with the opinions of others. When we get stressed about something, we take it out on the person closest so when I'm ticked about something my mom said to me, I take it out on him. It's not right, I know, but it happens.

Originally, I had thought that it was some sort of coincidence that we agreed on most things concerning the wedding. I thought, wow, how lucky are we to have the exact same opinion on almost all aspects of the wedding. In fact, last night at 2am we just laid in bed laughing about how ridiculous it is that all of our stress comes from the opinions of others. During this conversation, I asked him what we would have done if our opinions didn't mesh. He jokingly said that we probably wouldn't be getting married. And this got me to thinking about how the decisions made throughout the wedding planning process often mirror those made in everyday life throughout the relationship. Then I stopped being clueless and realized that it is no coincidence that we agree. Our wedding has been easy to agree on because it is a true reflection of us.

As a frequenter of wedding blogs, I've been hearing for months about how a wedding should really reflect the couple getting married. And although I thought it was a nice concept, I never really understood what it meant. Well now I do. Now I know that a wedding has to reflect the things that are most cherished by the two individuals and them as a couple. And I'm not just talking about the fact that the centerpieces are purple because that's the bride's favorite color or that the groom wear high tops because he's worn them all his life.

A wedding as a reflection of the couple goes way deeper than that. For us, all the stress of dealing with the opinions of others has reiterated the idea that we will always put one another first. Through all the opinions, Mr. FP always considers my opinion above those of his mom or brother or cousin and I do the same.

One of the major reflections of this is the guest list. We've had serious drama about that recently as people have expressed everything from disappointment to outright anger. In spite of this, we continue to keep the list small in order to ensure that it is compiled of people who we truly care about and love. Not to say that the people who didn't make the list aren't loved or cared about by us, but when it comes to one of the most important days of our lives and you throw in the consideration of budget and space, things have to be looked at in a different light.

And although this whole thing has been insanely stressful and difficult... heck, it still is, and it probably will continue to stress us until the wedding is done... it's comforting to have the knowledge that our relationship is secure. It's nice to know that although we may be stressed, we've adopted a sort of "us against the world" mentality in which we can lean on one another and know that the other will always be there.

In no way, shape, or form do I think that we will always agree. Or that we'll go through our entire lives only arguing about the opinions of others. Trust me, we argue plenty amongst ourselves, we don't need any help in that department. But at the end of the day, regardless of what's going on around us, we're still us. And we both still want what's best for us as a couple.

It may be a small comfort but in the sea of drama that is our wedding, I'll take what I can get.

a racehorse for a husband

As I mentioned in my last post, I am a list maker. Lists keep me calm in times of stress because for me, there's something soothing about seeing everything I have to do compiled into a little list. It may only be psychological, but lists simplify the craziness in life. And this has definitely been the case for the wedding. I currently have 4 to-do lists going. They range everywhere from "things to buy" to "things to make" to "things that need to get done this week". It's a finely honed system that I've perfected throughout the insane process of planning final papers and exams for university.

So clearly, I'm a list person.

Mr. FP, on the other hand, is not. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen him make a list. Since he went directly from living with his parents to living with me, most of the lists he's been involved in have been made by me. Although he doesn't make them himself, he's an excellent list follower, and I personally believe that it's how he works best. Maybe it's a little of my Type A rubbing off on this 100% Type B man, but he now loves lists. Seeing everything that needs to get done, whether it's the weekly grocery run or a packing list for vacation, seems to help him focus and eases the frustration that comes when things get forgotten.

So, although I never thought I'd be one of "those brides" who assigned her groom with specific tasks, we made a wedding to-do list for him today. Unlike one of "those brides", however, there was a discussion behind the creation of the list and in no way, shape, or form did I simply assign him with things and tell him to go at it. For the most part, the list is compiled of things that he would've been handling by himself anyway. Things like getting a musician, picking up his suit and making sure the guys have something to wear are his areas of expertise anyway. In spite of this, however, many of the things that we knew he'd take care of haven't been getting done in recent weeks.

Yesterday, I realized why.
During one of our many "what has to get done before the wedding discussions", he seems overwhelmed as I brought up things that he's completely forgotten about. Key word being "forgotten". He had every intention of getting this shtuff done but he's a notorious forgetter.

In the beginning of our relationship, I used to think he intentionally didn't do things and simply blamed his lack of productivity on his memory. For a Type A organizer like me, it was impossible to understand how things didn't get done simply because he forgot about them. I mean, HOW could he forget about something critical like picking up some milk on his way home from work?!?

After many incidents and many discussions, I soon realized that we just think different ways. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "Well, duh". I know, I know, that's such an obvious conclusion to make. But his unique personality isn't something that I'd ever encountered in my life, or at least, I hadn't encountered it as intimately as I did with him. Looking back on it, I feel insanely guilty for being upset when he simply forgot. And I'll tell you why. With the help of a simply analogy. For me, it's easy to remember all the tasks I need to complete, multitasking comes easy to me.

He, on the other hand, is a racehorse. Like a racehorse with blinders, he sees one thing in front of him and its usually the thing that's most memorable while everything else on the side gets forgotten. I might ask him to stop at the grocery store for milk, the post office for stamps and then to pick up some dinner before heading home. Thus far, you can guarantee that the dinner will be secure and that he'll come home, but I guarantee you either the milk or the stamps will be forgotten. Pick one, any one. It doesn't matter, but it will be at least one. Like a racehorse, he sees what's directly in front of him.

As frustrating as this can be, the solution is simple: give the man a list and he'll pass with flying colors. Don't ask me why it took me so long to realize that this simple rule applies to the wedding as well, because I have no idea how it only happened yesterday. But boy, oh boy, am I thankful it came to me when it did. Because since then, he's been checking off things like a mad man. Which, in the last month (eeek!) before the wedding, is the real blessing in this whole mess.

egad.

This past week has been an exciting one in the fancy pants household. Tons of wedding stuff has arrived and I'm so happy to finally be allowed to order and finalize. We put off many of the expensive ideas and online orders until we were sure that we knew what we wanted. I say "we", but really, it was me. I'm the indecisive one. And this fact prompted the always logical Mr. FP to suggest that we wait before making any major and costly decisions. But with a little over 2 months until the wedding, now is the time to get things done!

First off, the components for our programs and photo sharing cards arrived from Vistaprint. More on those coming soon. I swear.

Next, we received our amazing paper lanterns. So far, we're only in possession of the 12" ones, but paperlanternstore just received more 14"-ers in, so we'll be ordering them shortly. For any one else looking for paper lanterns, I highly recommend the paperlantern store. They had really good prices, tons of colors, and their shipping was both reasonable and fast. Plus, they ship to Canada, and since that's a hard thing to come by, they had us from hello.

Finally, the components for our DIY paper lantern lighting project arrived as well. That will require a post all on its own, so I promise to update soon... once we're actually sure we know what we're doing. It's all a little fuzzy right now. Electricians, we are not.

Although it's a relief to start finalizing things, so many of these arrivals are still in desperate need of some DIY effort that it's becoming overwhelming. I know I shouldn't panic because once school is done (2 weeks from yesterday!) I will have a month and a half to focus 100% on the wedding. This should give me plenty of time to get all of my DIY projects for the wedding done. Plus, I've already had tons of people offer their help, so I'm set.

Yet, as I look around our apartment, I'm still feeling antsy. With paper lanterns, programs, centerpieces and invitations all in need of some kind of work, our small amount of living space is slowly being encroached upon by wedding paraphernalia. Plus, exams are well under way which means that class notes, novels and textbooks are scattered everywhere.

On top of the fact that we're drowning in stuff and I'm stressed about exams, we're still having major parental drama on the Mr's side (more on that later, too) so emotions are running high. And what does that translate into? Arguing. Lots of it. It's frustrating because we're usually such a good team. We usually have an "us against the world" kind of attitude, but lately, we've both been so stressed that that concept is starting to crack a little. Thankfully, we're still working through our awesome couples book and trying to stay as patient as possible.

Even so, it's a lot to handle.

Did I mention that April 24th could not arrive any sooner?

we've got mad skills

In the months since our engagement, I have been given the advice "participate in some form of pre-marital counseling before the wedding, it'll be worth it" many times. A couple of times this advice came from people we know and mostly it came from the dozens of wedding blogs I peruse daily.

As I've already discussed here, our relationship is far from perfect. I'm impatient, he forgets everything and we're both really stubborn. So we bicker. A lot. And we argue. Not habitually, but it happens. We could both learn to communicate better, listen to one another more, and fight more fairly. Obviously, our relationship could use a little tweeking. We ended up attending a few counseling sessions through a local organization and they were definitely helpful to us. I think it helped us realized that there were more levels to many of our common conflicts than we had originally thought and it got us talking more. Honestly, I think some of our best conversations happened after those counseling sessions.

That being said, at $100 per session, we were only able to attend 3 at the time and with school/wedding expenses piling up, we can't afford to spend that kind of money right now, no matter how well spent those dollars would be. So we're on the hunt for something more affordable in our area, but in the mean time, I didn't want those awesome conversations to stop. I'm terrible at bottling feelings and when I do, they only get much worse. Unfortunately, I find it exceedingly difficult to start those important conversations which is why I loved the counseling sessions so much because were great a great forum in which we could talk about anything and everything.

Thankfully, I think we found the next best thing... a couples counseling book.

I've always been skeptical of the self-help book industry. I'm sure there's tons of really useful books out there, but gems like "He's Just Not That Into You" have overwhelmed the industry for years and I've been put off ever since. But after doing extensive research into pre-marital books, it seems that many of the best don't always apply to engaged couples, but center rather on improving the couple as a whole, whether they're in a relationship, engaged, or already married. Plus, finding a secular couples book in a plethora of books which are affiliated with some major religion was a battle in and of itself. Anything with the word "soul-mate" was immediately taken off the list, as was anything that hasn't released a new edition since 1980 (there's a lot of those out there, by the way). We wanted something practical; something we could really apply to our conversations and disagreements; something that would help our relationship work better; something that would improve our skills as a couple.

Well, lo and beyond. We found Couples Skills: Making Your Relationship Work.

We could not have been more lucky. After glancing through it in the book store for about 30 seconds, we knew it was for us. It's got everything we needed. It starts off with the most basic skills of listening and expressing feelings. Moves into problem solving and dealing with anger. And goes even further into issue like "separating your partner from your parents" and "identifying your couple system". To take a peek, click here.

Some of it is a little cheesy, the exercises and example seem artificial (in fact, the book recognizes this by saying "this exercise may seem artificial" but it's opened up conversations... some good, some bad, but conversation nonetheless. It's practical, applicable and has definitely improved how we communicate our needs and listen to one another. Um, did I mention we're only on the third chapter? Here's to hoping it can only get better from here. While I hesitate to give a full-hearted recommendation given that we are only on the third chapter, I'd say that, at least so far, the book seems to be living up to its expectations.

Alright, spill the beans. Anybody have some other good couples (preferably secular) books to recommend?