Tuesday, February 9, 2010

it ain't all sunshine and rainbows

Apparently, falling off wedding cloud nine is a growing trend for today. Like Mouse and He-Mouse over at Souris Mariage, not everything is hunky dorry at the Fancy Pants residence.

Oh my gosh, did I seriously just admit that our relationship isn't perfect? Did I imply that maybe, we might possibly disagree sometimes? No way, that could not have happened. That's not what wedding blogs are for! The wedding industry wants us to think that everything about weddings is beautiful and happy. We're not supposed to talk about real relationship issues, we're supposed to talk about pretty cakes and flowy dresses whilst surrounded by bird that sing us to sleep at night. Right?

Um, well no. In fact, forget the phrase "disagree sometimes"... what we do is flat out arguing. That's right, I said it. We argue. And no, the world did not just collapse around us. Why? Because it's perfectly normal to argue.

I've been around couples who maintain that they don't argue. They declare that the worst fight in the entirety of their relationship lasted ten minutes and that the damage was quickly and easily repaired with a hug and a kiss and an "I love you". Personally, I don't think they're human. Because humans argue. Every relationship is put through difficult trials and the healthy ones come out on the other side better than before. Or, I think they may be afraid to admit to their family & friends that their relationship isn't perfect? Why they're scared of this, I may never understand. We've always been open about our fighting and while "trouble-free" couples (and I use the quotations because really, is there such a thing?) sometimes makes me doubt the amount of arguing we do, I know a healthy relationship will have a conflicts.

Honestly, if Mr. FP went more than a week or two without arguing/disagreeing over something, I would be a little worried. With the stress of school, work, money, family and to top it all off, the wonderful wedding we've argued like mad people. We yell, we scream, we go to bed angry, and sometimes he *gasp* ends up sleeping on the couch. And in spite of the myth that if somebody's on the couch, there must be something drastically wrong with the relationship, we're none the worse for wear when it's all said and done.

Last night's argument started with me worrying whether or not some napkins I found at the grocery store would clash with our centerpieces and ended with me crying about how I feel like I'm the only one planning our wedding. My proudest moment? Ah, hell no. But it happens.

I just think it's high time that ladies learn that it's okay to talk about real stuff. It's fine to talk about fighting. It's okay that you and your partner don't agree on everything. And more specifically for brides, it's okay to not think every moment of planning a wedding is blissful. Even better, it's okay to admit that you don't love your wedding.

Thankfully, we have a multitude of couple friends and most do admit to arguing. Which I love. Because it reassures me. Not that I should need reassurance from other people to be secure in our relationship, I know. But if I was constantly surrounded by people who claim they never argue, I would lose it. I would think something was wrong with us. Because the normality of our relationships is usually gauged according to those around us. Either way, I like talking to other people about how much their relationships suck because it gives me hope that we're at least semi-normal. As individuals, we're total freaks. As a couple, we're even more strange. But it's a healthy relationship.

We all have good days and bad days. And, if you're us, sometimes you have days where you need to learn how to avoid napkins that will act as the catalyst to a stupid argument. And clearly, we're still working on that one.


Cupcake Wedding said...

Bravo. I totally agree. And occassionally we even tell each other to fuck off. And then we have awesome makeup sex.

SG said...

I agree that couples that never fight are strange creatures though to be honest Kristian and I don't fight very often. That's not to say that there aren't days (like today for instance) where we don't annoy the sh*t out of each other. I don't think fighting is a big deal what's a big deal is how you resolve the fights.

Meg said...

I love your blog. your wedding sounds so much like the one we're planning. And I in no way disagree with this post.

but I have a confession... my partner and I... don't fight. Like, ever. I try not to mention this to anyone, because the one I time I did, I got a lecture on how one "absolutely every couple" fights, and of us must be "smothering" bad feelings, etc.

And honestly, I swear we're not. And we are human (man, are we human!). We're just both *very* laid-back people. we're also much harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else. I've never fought with anyone in my life... I've disagreed, sure. But never fought w/my parents. Maybe once with my sister.

I feel... almost ashamed of this? but we can't help it. We just happen to be low-drama people. We've had some tense/teary times (including one on how I felt I was the only one working on wedding planning), but no anger, no harsh words, no door slamming or yelling. i do feel like a freak, admitting that. :P

sometimes I worry that something is deeply wrong with us (though after 5 yrs. together and plenty of hard situations, we've had many opportunities for big blow ups), and sometimes I say eff it, this is who we are. *shrug*

anyway, just had to add in 2cents from the other side... amen to being real, though!

miss fancy pants (the bride) said...

@Meg: Thanks for your 2 cents, you definitely bring up a good point from the other side which I hadn't originally considered. I don't think you need to worry that something is wrong with the two of you... because like you said, it's who you are. Trust me, if I were more laid back and we were both less stubborn, we'd be much more low-drama and probably wouldn't disagree nearly as much as we do. It's just how our personalities work (and sometimes clash) together.

Plus, like you said, you have disagreed even if only over minor things, it's not as if you've seen eye to eye in every situation for the last 5 years.

When I refer to people who seem inhuman because they never argue, I only mean to refer to people who I've known personally. The couples I've known who claim to never fight don't have a laid back type of personality and I suspect that it's more likely that they're lying about how much they argue because they want to make their relationship seem perfect. Which is my pet peeve. But if I knew more laid back people like you, I could definitely believe that they never fight!

So, really, don't be ashamed. Be glad that you'll never have to argue over something like napkin patterns. Honestly, when I look at it that way, I should be the one feeling like a freak. I'd say you're perfectly normal, haha.

Miss C said...

I'm from another couple that doesn't fight. I have had relationships before where we had massive blow-ups- for instance the hilarious time when we screamed at each other, then he left to go play basketball or something and I ran out after him and threw my keys at his moving car. Because that'd teach him! Haha. Oh, good times.

I was originally freaked out by the groomie and I's relationship, I kind of worried that if we weren't fighting, we weren't fighting for our relationship or something?

I talked to him about it and he said "I'm a lover not a fighter", which is perfectly true. I've just had to learn to really watch out for signs he isn't happy with something- it just isn't in his nature to rock the boat.

Also, I hate yelling and screaming (had enough of that in my childhood) so we never do that. In fact, it was one of the first things I ever said to him :)

But to get back to the point, I think it just depends on the type of people you are. What works for some, doesn't for others.

julie/smartassbride said...

thank you. thank you. thank you!!! so much for this post. we've been fighing a lot lately and i've been feeling totally crazypants about it. glad it's not just us :)

Jess said...

I love it! So glad you commented over on my blog and I came over here.

Sadly I belong to the freaky percentage of couples who don't fight (I do the pissed off thing pretty damn well though!). But more because I'm the aggressive one and the boy just lets it all roll. He's very very good for me in that regard, I'm so much calmer since I met him.

aloha345 said...

Thank you so much for this post! We're one of those couples who happens to fight a lot. I think it's mainly because I'm somewhat high strung (understatement of the century) and while my fiance is laid back, he's prone to fighting back as well. I think it's good for us a lot of the time though. Like you, I'd probably be scared if we went too long with a good fight!

Spare Thoughts said...

We fight a lot - but 7 years in I figure we are pretty secure in telling each other how it is.

Jess said...

I love this post! I'm so glad you found my blog so I could find yours!!

When R and I fight, we fight good. The other night I spent the night on our futon in the spare bedroom. But I say, what's a relationship without a little fire? I love that we fight...it means there's passion :-D

Mrs T said...

So true. I wanted to strangle Mr B loads of times during wedding planning! I think people in healthy relationships fight - if you don't then you have a problem!

Stacy Marie said...

I found your blog from a comment you left on Cupcake Wedding. I totally agree, the wedding blog world is this weird fantasy land where everything is blissful 24/7. In reality, fighting/arguing means your relationship is healthy. If there are zero disagreements, then there's a good chance someone isn't speaking up. It's not about how often you fight, I think it's about how you fight, you know? Ryan and I fight, but we are respectful of each other while we're doing it. We might raise our voices, but we don't insult each other. Great post!

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