Tuesday, February 23, 2010

it's our day, not mine

Wanna know Mr. FP's biggest wedding pet peeve?
When I talk about everything to death.

Wanna know his 2nd biggest pet peeve?
When brides, in reference to their wedding, say: I want to have blue bridesmaids dresses at my wedding. I want purple flowers at my wedding. At my wedding, we're going to have a candy buffet. My wedding is going to be perfect.

See the trend?

We were watching Say Yes to the Dress tonight (only for 15 minutes because that's about all he can handle) and he heard a bride say to her fiance: "Well, I want you to like the dress too. After all, it's just as much his day as it is mine. It's our wedding".

I thought his jaw was going to hit the floor. He was shocked. And he immediately turned to me and said "Did you hear that?!" And I thought "Wow, I did, actually. Brides never say that". (I know, I shouldn't generalize, but honestly, other than this girl, I've never seen a bride on SYTTD refer to the wedding as a collective effort, so I'm doin' it anyway)

And honestly, other than the online bride community of wedding blogs, I've heard very few brides refer to the day as "our wedding". This is one of the reasons I love Ellie at Wedding For Two's subtitle on her blog header: Because the first two letters in wedding are "we".

Simple logic. It's the alphabet. But honestly, it seems like a lot of brides forget it. Personally, I blame the wedding industry, they would love for all brides to think that because then they'd all shop 'till they dropped because if they feel like they're being personally judged on their wedding as some kind of show, they'll spend more. I used to be one of those brides that used "my wedding" all the time. And while I don't think it was based on an unconscious belief that it was my day only... I'm just used to referring to myself as a single person, rather than as an "us". It took some getting used to.

What I worry about more is the brides that honestly believe that their wedding is all about them. Just the lady. And the man gets dropped by the wayside.

Like I've already talked about here, I hate wedding sexism. I don't like to be made to feel as though I'm the only one out of the two of us that cares about the wedding. I don't like when people think Mr. FP couldn't give a shit about what decor, kind of cake, food etc we have at the wedding. As I said before, he is laid back. He honestly doesn't care about a lot of this stuff so he lets me decide. But the important thing is that everything gets discussed. I don't just assume I know what he wants or what he does/doesn't care about. I care about him and how he feels. In fact, I care so much that I've toned down anything involving the color yellow, my addiction to Hello Kitty, and dogs dressed up for weddings. (Okay, the Hello Kitty part is a lie. He shamelessly feeds that addiction ... evidence below.)

{photo by me, of a Christmas present from Mr. FP, see? I wasn't lying}

Honestly, that's part of the reason I know our relationship works. We actually had an hour long discussion the other night because I was so certain that he had an opinion and just didn't want to share it. I'm making a quilt for the wedding and I needed help picking out fabrics, so I made some 3 mock ups of what the quilts would look like with my top 3 fabric choices. I asked him what he thought. He picked A and I loved C. And he knew that so he told me to pick C. And I got so angry with him. I told him he couldn't just let me walk all over him. If he liked something, he should stand strong. And he told me to shut it and pick the one I loved. I refused. I insisted that I didn't want to be one of those women who knows her partner's opinions and goes against it anyway because she doesn't like it enough. I was so upset with him for refusing. And I was more upset over the fact that our opinions didn't mesh.

Then he explained to me that while he did have a slight opinion, he loved option C as well so it should be the one I pick if I have a clear opinion on the matter. I refused. And he insisted. And I refused. And... well, you get the idea. Eventually, he said "Look, it's not going to matter to me on the wedding day if our quilt is blue or red. I don't care. But you do. I'm not going to look back on the choice and think 'Oh, I wish I had picked that other option'. But you will. So pick the one you love." Gosh, I love that boy.

So I stopped being crazy and gave in. I remain confident that I didn't just toss his opinion aside. He simply doesn't care as much as I do. We both still love Miss C's comment on my first post on this subject: "My dear groomie put it to me this way: 'If I'm not interested in organising colour schemes, flowers and various stationery products in everyday life, why would I be now?'.

It makes total sense. And applies to us more than anything in the world. In fact, Mr. FP often refers to it when I feel like I'm ignoring his opinion and he feels like he just wants me to do what I love. So, many thanks to you, Miss C. ... I think your groom saved mine a lot of time.

At the end of the day, it will always be our wedding. It will always be an amalgamation of the things we both love and it will be perfect for us (with maybe a little more Hello Kitty than he might prefer... hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do).


SG said...

This is a great post and this is why I run everything by my fiance little or big. I know on most things he doesn't care but I want him to be included because the wedding is for both of us and I want it to reflect both of us.

aapuzzanchera said...

I have the same situation with my guy. We aren't getting married, but we are redecorating and I ask for his opinion and he has none to offer. Finally he says to me, "If I don't like it, I will say something". That put me more at ease. I bet your guy is similar in that regard as well. Good luck with the planning!

Stacy Marie said...

I love that you're talking about this...I hate it when people say it's "my" day, that Ryan should just let me have my way all the time. I think all the compromising we're doing and all the taking each other's opinions into consideration is the best kind of marriage prep.

And I want to hear more about the quilt, please share!

Anonymous said...

I think I might be guilty of saying it is my day. But honestly, I think my friends think its their day too. And I love that about it. C makes some of the decisions (I didn't pick navy!) but for the most part. I will make an executive decision and he says "ok". Usually. lol

Polka Dot Bride said...

It really distresses me- the "my" thing, though i can understand it in some contexts. I love it when the bride actually share their husbands name- that always helps me out too! I love hearing what the groom has to say, or how he was reflected in the wedding.

Miss C said...

Oh, thank you! I'll be sure to let the Groomie know that he's helped a fellow dude.

Agree with everything you said :)

Jess said...

You inspired me with this one! I love your groomie's response, sounds very much like my boy but he's so quiet he'd never say that...most likely for fear of unleashing hell on earth haha.

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