Monday, May 3, 2010

indifferent ingrid; that's my name, don't wear it out

As a bride, I've been told since day 1 of our engagement, that there's things for the wedding I have to do. I have to invite guests plus one, I have to choose a color palette, there has to be a first dance. Let's face it, that list goes on forever. And as a bride, I'm expected to care about each and every one of these things. As in, I'm supposed to really care about them, to the point where I know exactly what I want all the time. As far as the wedding industry is concerned, a bride cares. She cares about everything.

So what happens when a bride doesn't care about certain aspects of her wedding? Because I'm one of those brides. There are aspects of the wedding that I realize I haven't even thought of when someone brings them up. Things like food, the clothes other people will be wearing, where people sit at the reception, who gives/doesn't give a speech. These are things that I don't care about. Not even a little. I mean, I want there to be food at the wedding and it'd be nice for people to be clothed, but other than that, I could care less.

And as a bride that doesn't care about some parts of the wedding, I've learned a few things.

First of all, the wedding industry is appalled by this concept. It tries to guilt brides into thinking their wedding is going to suck if they don't micromanage every detail. As brides, we're all given a long list of what we should care about and we're expected to formulate and execute our opinions on each and every subject. It's aggravating for a bride who genuinely doesn't care. But hey, that's just the wedding industry. I can ignore it.... for the most part.

Second in the lessons I have learned through my lack of caring is that family and friends will get confused. Early in our engagement, the fact that I didn't care what shade of purple the bridesmaids were in was met with shock: "but you have to care what color they wear!".

When I asked my aunts and uncles if their young children would like to participate in the wedding, they were thrilled. This was closely followed with horror when I informed them that I didn't care what the kids actually did, I just wanted them to be involved: "what do you mean you don't know what you want them to do?"... "you have to pick a job for them".

During a conversation with my bridesmaids, the subject of their hair styles on the wedding day came up and I once again expressed my indifference. Up? Down? Curly? Straight? Um, doesn't matter to me. Silver or gold jewelery? I don't care, whatever they like. White or black shoes? I couldn't care less. Every response of indifference was met with glances of confusion and shock.

In a way, I understand these reactions. Historically speaking, brides usually care. About everything. So when people come across a bride who genuinely doesn't, it's shocking.

For me, it's natural to be indifferent to the decisions of others. As far as I'm concerned, the bridesmaids should wear what makes them happy, confident and comfortable. And as far as the kids being in the wedding, I just want them to be involved. They're my baby cousins and I love them to bits, so I want them to feel special on our big day. Whether that means they walk down the aisle, pass out programs or do a reading, it doesn't matter to us, we just want them there.

I thought my lack of caring would be a blessing to those around me. The bridesmaids would be happy, the kids would feel special and I wouldn't have to constantly worry about making decisions for others. (Hell, I have a difficult enough time making choices for myself. I don't have the time or patience to micromanage.)

But instead of this being a good thing, people just seem confused and even a little annoyed by my indifference. I understand that some people like direction for these choices, and I'm never against giving my opinion, but the final choice should not be in my hands.

Every time I doubt my indifference and think "maybe I should care about these things...", I think about the other extreme in which I tell everyone exactly what to do. People might be confused and annoyed by my indifference, but I have a sneaking suspicion I'd be met with harsher criticism if I decided to make every decision for everyone involved.

If I told my bridesmaids exactly what color dress, jewelery and shoes to wear, I'd be labeled a bridezilla and I'd run the risk of them resenting me for the choices I make. And forcing my cousins to play a particular role in the wedding would be just plain mean. One of them is shy, so I imagine she won't want to walk down the aisle with 80 people staring at her. Through my indifference I'm giving her the choice.

It seems like a good thing to me, but apparently, it makes me a bad bride.
If that's the case, lock me up because the indifference isn't going anywhere.


Ellie said...

Over the weekend, I was told by a woman I have met exactly ONCE before, that I had "better hurry up and pick the bridesmaids dress colors, missy!"

Um. Excuse me? I do not care what color their dresses are. They don't care what color their dresses are. So what, almost total stranger, am I supposed to do about that?

I did try to pick out their hairstyles. Apparently, I care about that. That was a weird bridezilla moment for me. Accesories? Whatever. Shoes? Find cute ones, please.

Anonymous said...

I'm feeling you here!!!! It's just too much to be concerned with a lot of the things people are asking me to decide.

Flower girl hair- don't care one bit (they always look cute anyway)

bridesmaid, I can't even decide on my own shoes!

instead of being asked what I want, I would rather be given a power point presentation of the options within their price range, then I choose which I feel looks best. I'm really serious, it would be way easier for me :) lol

jadorelidylle said...

Amen sister! The thing I care most about is marrying my man and people having fun. I'm just not the sort of person who cares what color underwear people are wearing or whatever. Being a bride does NOT give you the right to dictate every aspect of the day without any regard to the other people involved. People just need to chill the heck out and enjoy what's really happening on that day. <3

Amberdawn said...

I'm with you. And this is coming from a person whose mom calls her a "control freak."

I was bewildered when she asked me what to wear. I said, "you're not a bridesmaid, why would I dictate what you wear?" And although I have a color and length in mind for my maid of honor's dress, she can pick the style (since I'll have no bridesmaids to worry about matching). Her hair is fine however (though I really hope she doesn't dye it blue or something as she's apt to do). I wonder if people worry because they're afraid you're spending thousands on photos so they want you to be able to have just the look you want for that price. I wouldn't begrudge a bride for that.

And now that you mention it, I'm rethinking the whole seating arrangement. You know what? I'm going to have fewer than 25 people. They're all adults and no one hates each other. Why not just let them sit where they want? I could understand if there's hundreds of guests it could end up a free for all. But yes, I think some choice is better.

Lyssabeth's Wedding Officiants said...

How wonderfully un-Bridezilla of you! I wish more brides had your laissez-faire attitude and disregard for the "shoulds" of this world. Take heart, it's a trait that will serve you well in your marriage. You don't want that governed by shoulds and micro-management either!

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