Wednesday, May 19, 2010

judgemental judiths

After reading a post from Cupcake Wedding and the comments which ensued, I got to thinking about how much pressure is placed on brides during a wedding.

I know, I know, you're thinking "Well, duh, of course there's tons of pressure! It's a wedding!". But hear me again: think about how much pressure is placed on brides during a wedding. Not the couple, the bride.

As Cupcake discussed the aesthetics of her wedding, I got to thinking about how worried I am about the aesthetics of ours and how judgmental will be. Like Cupcake says, chances are, the judgement of others will fall upon the bride instead of the couple. As I've discussed before, the all-too-common assumption that the bride is the only one who really cares about the wedding bugs me. A lot. And this is especially true for the aesthetics of a wedding. The majority of people in society assume that the groom had little to nothing to do with the decor selections featured in a wedding. So, if the decors sucks, who do they blame? Yep, you guessed it, the bride.

Coming from a judgmental/gossip-y family, this concerns me. Some aunts have already expressed their resistance to the fact that the wedding will be held at the family cottage. Some have a problem with cupcakes instead of cake. And others are concerned about my desire to do my own hair and makeup. So I can only imagine what kind of crap I'll have to deal with when the wedding actually happens. I can practically already hear the judgments.

On the other hand, Mr. FP remains unaffected by these worries. No surprise there because he doesn't think about things nearly as much as I do. Yet, it's more than that. Even if he were one of those grooms who was concerned with the aesthetics of the wedding, chances are he wouldn't have to hear about it. Aunts wouldn't harass him with questions about decor or wardrobe. People simply don't trace poor aesthetic choices back to the groom.

And it stinks. Because although he's not as concerned about decor as I am, the wedding will reflect joint decisions. Universally so, in fact. I don't think there's been a single decision made that wasn't preceded by a discussion. Hell, I even got his input on what kind of veil I should wear and how I should wear my hair. Does he worry about these things like I do? No. But he was there. He helped make the decision but at the end of the day, he'll be absolved of any guilt.

Thankfully, in spite of a few judgmental family members, our wedding guests will be supportive on the whole. When I was worried about how his family would receive a wedding hosted at a summer cottage, he assured me that they would be thrilled. Similarly, our non-traditional aesthetic choices have been well received on the whole so far. Our invites were a big hit and that gives me hope that we won't have to hear as many complaints as I initially thought.

And as much as I'd like to say that the judgements doesn't affect me in the slightest, they do. Albeit, not enough for me to conform to the standards of traditional weddings by picking a palette of 2 colors, have a traditional cake and stick with traditional decor like flowers and tulle. But still, the worries are there. Although I know it's not realistic, I'd like our guests to love our wedding as much as we do. I'd like them to enjoy the day and forget about the colors, the decor and the location. *Sigh*, in a perfect world...


Anonymous said...

It is so true. When I first met my fiance's law school classmates, they bombarded me with questions about the wedding -- when was it, what was my dress like, millions of questions about details, etc. -- though they had known my fiance for over a month and hadn't asked him a thing. I know they probably just zoned in on a topic they knew they could ask about and were trying to be friendly, but it really, really bugged me. So much about weddings is considered the bride's domain, because so much about weddings is supposed to be a prelude to domestic life. But what people don't get, is that E is involved in our aesthetic choices (and domestic activities) at home, and in our wedding. It all goes back to what's been very frustrating for me in this whole process -- mediating what signals and symbols I want to send out with the interpretations and expectations my guests will bring to them.

Your wedding sounds lovely, and regardless of initial reactions, your family and friends will have a great time, tradition be damned!

JEM - Aqua Bride said...

I agree. If guests or family members blame me for the aesthetics or lack thereof, then that's their problem. I'm primarily pulling this wedding together since i'm the unemployed one making all the DIY projects. Mr M just says they're pretty or that this should be bigger or that should be smaller etc. I really couldn't care less what other people think.

If someone invites you to a wedding to share such a special day with them and all you can think of is how it was decorated or what the flowers look like, then it's a poor reflection on you, not the couple.

Hollie said...

reason #10,000 why I am eloping! :] But really.. you shouldn't care what other people think. If you & your fiance are happy with how things turn out, that's all that matters!

Anonymous said...

Man, when will people get that brides are not wedding dictators? Or rather all-powerful wedding gods? It's bad enough people have to judge, but it sucks even more that all that judgment gets directed at one person.

nicole said...

Thanks for this post. I'm beginning to focus more on the experience we're creating than the image we're portraying, ya know? I want our family and friends to remember the fun they had, not the decor or flowers or wedding favors or wedding colors. Also, our friends and family know we're broke. I'm hoping their expectations are REALLY low, and they'll be pleasantly surprised by a sweet and simple wedding. Let's hope so.

Amberdawn said...

I'm pretty sure the person who cares most about my wedding decor is me. My sister will absolutely tease me because I like traditional prettiness and I'm pretty sure if she finds the right guy she'll wear a black gown and have skeleton/black rose centerpieces. But maybe having a sister so opposite to my taste is what's made me so immune to caring what other people think of my taste. To each his/her own.

Miss C said...

I think that people will automatically object to something that doesn't reflect the way they would do things- in theory.

On the day though, they'll see how it all came together and how reflective of you as a couple it is, and they'll eat their words.

What you have to remember is that nobody is going to have the complete vision of how the day will look and feel except you. They won't really get it until they are there.

All Things Wedding said...

I have had to pull myself out of being a "judgemental judith." It's easy to fall into but, at the end of the day, everyone loves something different!

Your day will be your way (and your hubs') and it will be perfect! ;-)

Rachael Ann Lunghi said...

just remember....its your day.
it is supposed to reflect you and your husband
who cares if its anyone else's cup of tea or not
it is a day to celebrate you two and your commitment
its going to be perfect!!!

FutureMrsM said...

I just found your wedding blog but I could not relate more to this post. I just started writing a wedding blog myself and can't wait to get involved with the wedding blog community! Through the whole planning process I truly believe you have to put you and your fiance's wishes first because after all it is "your" day! Can't wait to continue to read about your journey as I begin mine!

Post a Comment

Please avoid comments that contain personal attacks, snarkiness, spam, or any other not-so-nice qualities.